


Cherry, Lionel, and Thor: Spaceballs

by PerkyGoth14



Category: Spaceballs (1987)
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-08
Updated: 2020-05-10
Packaged: 2021-03-03 01:20:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 22,255
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24076615
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PerkyGoth14/pseuds/PerkyGoth14
Summary: As Part 2 in the May Double Feature, Thor invites Lionel along for another sci-fi adventure with Cherry as they journey into the movie known as Mel Brooks's Spaceballs. There, they travel and meet Lone Starr, Barf, Dot Matrix, and Princess Vespa as they venture out into space for an epic adventure against the Great and Powerful: Dark Helmet, using the power of the Schwartz.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> And now for Part 2 of my Special May Double Feature, hope you enjoy this one too! Read & Review.

Our story begins inside of a home that looked like a castle that was in the realm known as The Supernatural Realm as Thor held up a DVD copy of the "Star Wars" adventure had happened without Lionel, though he also had a DVD copy of "Spaceballs".

"I'm just saying if you'd like to be apart of PerkyGoth14's Special Double Feature for May, why don't we do this adventure, but without Atticus, Cherry, Mo, and Patch?" Thor smiled as he held the Spaceballs DVD up higher to his little friend.

"...Cherry might want some involvement," Lionel said. "She _is_ a Mel Brooks fan."

"So would you like to do this one?" Thor grinned, looking a bit oafish with his toothy grin.

"Lemme answer that question with another question," replied Lionel. "Is chicken tasty?"

"...Most of the time, especially with honey barbecue sauce." Thor smiled, sticking his tongue out.

Lionel narrowed his eyes only slightly.

"Oh, uh, I mean 'yes'," Thor then said. "Sorry, that chicken question made me hungry."

"Hello? Shortstuff?!" Drell's voice called.

"Uncle's here!" Thor beamed in excitement.

"Whoopee." Lionel shrugged as he climbed on Thor's shoulder and went into the other room.

Thor's parents, Zolten and Moxie, talked with Drell in the other room while the boys were on their way over. Thor stalked across the floor, dragging his stomach like a predator as he came to try to sneak up on his uncle.

"Don't even think about it." Drell said without looking.

"Aww..." Thor pouted.

"I'm here 'cuz I have a task for you guys," Drell said as he looked down to them. "If you refuse, there'll be a worse alternative than being turned into a toad."

"Okay, what is it?" Lionel asked.

"Is that Spaceballs?" Drell asked as he saw the DVD that his nephew had in his grubby little paws.

"Uh-huh! Uh-huh!" Thor nodded like an energetic puppy. "We thought we could do it since Atticus and Mo did Star Wars with Cherry for the Double Feature."

"Excellent option," Drell smirked. "I suppose you could do this adventure... Unless you'd like to do the Holiday Special~"

Suddenly, there was a video clip on loop with Harvey Korman in drag, hosting a Julia Child-esque cooking show. "Stir, whip! Stir, whip! Stir, whip! Stir, whip! STIR!~"

"We'll do the adventure! We'll do the adventure!" Lionel and Thor gave in.

"I'm a genius." Drell smirked at himself.

"...What the bloody 'ell was _that_?" Lionel asked. "Whatever. Let's just begin."

"I hope you have fun," Drell told them before snapping his fingers which sent the two away. "I suggest you just relax and enjoy yourselves," he then glanced over at the readers who were looking at this story right now. "That goes for you all too."

"Is your brother talking to the wall again?" Zolten whispered to Moxie.

"You get used to it." Moxie replied.

* * *

**_Once upon a time warp within a fan fiction..._ **

In a galaxy very, very, very, very, far away, there lived a ruthless race of beings known as... Spaceballs.

Chapter Eleven

The evil leaders of Planet Spaceball, having foolishly squandered their precious atmosphere, have devised a secret plan to take every breath of air away from their peace-loving neighbor, Planet Druidia. Today is Princess Vespa's wedding day and she will be in the company of a new friend. Unbeknownst to the princess, but knowest to us, danger lurks in the stars above... If you can read this, you don't need glasses.

"I guess we're in now." Lionel remarked as he and Thor flew through the skies in spirit form.

"I guess so," Thor replied. "I wonder how we'll be included... Maybe we'll help out this world's Han Solo and Chewbacca?"

"Sounds like it might take a while." Lionel remarked.

"Yeah... Whoa... Are we flying?" Thor then asked.

"We're in spirit form," explained Lionel. "This happens whenever we get transported into a movie."

Both boys watched as the massive ship, Spaceball I, entered the scene; a massive ship that took two minutes to cross the screen before they saw the stern of the ship, upon which was a bumper sticker that said "We Brake For Nobody."

* * *

Inside the ship, Colonel Sandurz stood amongst his crew, before a voice suddenly spoke up. "Colonel Sandurz!"

"What is is, Sergeant Rico?" asked the Colonel.

"You told me to let you know the minute Planet Druidia was in sight, sir!" declared Rico.

"...So?" asked Sandurz, following a brief period of silence.

"Planet Druidia is in sight, sir!" replied Rico.

"You're really a Spaceball," said Sandurz. "You know that, don't you?"

"Thanks, sir." Rico replied.

"Have you notified Lord Helmet?" asked the Col.

"Yes sir, I took the liberty," nodded Rico. "He's on his way."

"Make way for Dark Helmet!" declared a voice from out of frame.

A door opened, revealing who resembled that of a shorter Darth Vader who walked into the room before he soon stopped suddenly and seemed to be breathing heavily. A familiar boy with black and white hair soon approached Dark Helmet and removed the mask as the owner seemed to be hyperventilating.

"I couldn't breathe in that thing!" The man said from under the mask, showing a pale face with glasses.

"We're approaching Planet Druidia, sir." Colonel Sandurz reported.

"Good. I'll call Spaceball City, and notify President Skroob immediately." Dark Helmet approved.

"I already called him, sir," Rico spoke up. "He knows everything."

"What?!" Dark Helmet glared. "You went over my helmet?"

"Well, not exactly over it, sir," Rico replied nervously. "More on the side. I'll always call you first. It'll never happen again. Never, ever!"

"Give him the Schwartz." Jackson soon said to Dark Helmet with a scary grin on his face like he relished in misery and suffering.

"Oh, I'll give 'im the Schwartz, alright," Dark Helmet replied. "I'll give it to 'im, but GOOD!" And he pulled out his Schwartz Ring, causing Rico to flinch in terror and start backing away.

"Oh, shit!" The man exclaimed. "No, no, no, no, no, please, no, no, please, no, not that!"

Dark Helmet pulled his mask back down. "Yes... _that_."

A green beam shot from the ring, hitting Rico in the crotch and making him drop to the floor in pain; eventually, he was helped away by other Spaceballs.

Jackson laughed. "Man, that's _always_ funnier than the last time!"

Dark Helmet pushed his mask back up. "Sandurz!"

The colonel covered his crotch. "Sir!" he exclaimed.

"I don't see Planet Druidia," replied Dark Helmet. "Where is it?"

"We don't have visual contact yet," replied Col. Sandurz. "But we have it on the radar screen. Shall I punch it up for you?"

Dark Helmet rolled his eyes. "Ah, never mind. I'll do it myself." he replied.

Sandurz nodded. "Very good, sir."

Soon, the both of them walked over to a device.

Dark Helmet looked at the monitor, but all he saw was churning and bubbling. "What's the matter with this thing?" he asked. "What's all this churning and bubbling? You call this a radar screen?"

"No sir, we call it..." Sandurz tapped the top of the machine. "'Mister Coffee'. Care for some?"

"Yes. I always have coffee when I watch radar," replied Dark Helmet. "You know that!"

"Of course I do, sir." Sandurz replied.

"Everybody knows that." Jackson rolled his eyes.

"Of course we do, sir!" The other soldiers added as they covered their crotches in fear.

"Now that I have my coffee, I'm ready to watch radar," Dark Helmet then said. "Where is it?"

"Right here, sir." Sandurz said, pointing to a sign that said "Mr. Radar".

"There it is, Planet Druidia, and underneath the air shield, 10,000 years of fresh air," Dark Helmet said as he observed the radar. "We must get through that air shield.

"We will, sir," Sandurz nodded. "Once we kidnap the princess, we will force her father, King Roland, to give us the combination to the air shield. Thereby destroying Planet Druidia and saving Planet Spaceballs."

"Everybody got that? Good!" Dark Helmet asked the audience before nodding firmly. "When will the princess be married?"

"Within the hour, sir." Sandurz reported.

"Well, I hope it's a long ceremony, 'cuz it's gonna be a short honeymoon," Dark Helmet nodded before he took a sip of his coffee before suddenly spitting it out. "Hot! Too hot!" he then groaned from inside his helmet.

"Next time, he might wanna switch to decaf or chamomile tea." Jackson deadpanned to himself.

* * *

As Lionel and Thor continued flying overhead to their location, they made a brief stopover on Planet Druidia; a peaceful, lush planet similar to Earth. The main focus was on a chapel, outside of which there's a sign that reads: **_"Today, The royal wedding of Princess Vespa to Prince Valium. Tomorrow, Bingo."_** Inside the chapel, King Roland and Princess Vespa were getting ready for the wedding.

"Ah, if only your mother were alive to see this day." sighed King Roland.

"All right, now is everyone ready?" asked the usher.

King Roland nodded. "Yes."

But Vespa had other thoughts. "No! Where's my droid of honor?" she asked.

"Oh, dear, yes! Where's Dot? Dot? Dot Matrix?!" The usher beckoned before he looked behind a curtain. "Oh, thank god."

Dot Matrix was a golden robot who looked like C-3PO, but female, rolled in on roller-skate feet.

"Where have you been?" The husher asked.

"Here I am! I'm sorry," replied Dot. "I had to make a pit stop. I'm so excited, I couldn't hold my oil!"

Lionel glanced at the readers. "Joan Rivers, everybody!" he exclaimed.

Cherry soon walked into the scene. "How did I get here?" she then complained. "Why am I here? What is my purpose?"

"It's Cherry!" Lionel and Thor beamed.

"Just remember that you're gonna be my flower girl, bridesmaid, and ring bearer since Dot promised to be the droid of honor," Vespa told Cherry, a bit snootily. "You do all the hard stuff while I get married and you watch me."

"Sounds good to me." Cherry rolled her eyes, her wit as dry as the service that seemed so boring it put the groom to sleep.

"All right, people," The usher began. "It's magic time."

"All right, everyone, starting on the left foot." King Roland said before he put his right foot out.

"Daddy, that's your right foot." Vespa said to him.

"It's too late, keep going." King Roland replied as they walked down the aisle together.

Roland and Vespa entered the main sanctuary of the chapel, as the organist began playing the Bridal March.

Halfway down, Vespa stopped. "Daddy?" she asked, making the organist stop playing, ending with a sour note. "Must I go through with this?"

"I'm sorry, my dear. You have to." replied King Roland.

The organist resumed playing as Vespa and Roland started walking again. But a short distance later, Vespa stopped a second time, making the organist cease again. "But Daddy... Daddy, I don't love him."

"I'm sorry, Vespa," replied King Roland. "He's the last prince left in the galaxy."

Prince Valium let out a big yawn.

"Must've been in short supply." Cherry remarked as Vespa and Roland walked forward to the altar, the organist finally completing the Bridal March.

"Dearly beloved, we are gathered here, on this most joyous occasion to witness Prinecss Vespa, daughter of King Roland-" said the minister; but then, Vespa suddenly took off running, dragging Dot behind her, and bringing Cherry with her as well. "...Going right past the altar, heading down the ramp, and out the door!"

"Well, there she goes," Lionel remarked. "And I reckon it's time we got going too." He and Thor resumed their spirit forms and were off through space once more.

* * *

Somewhere in space, a Winnebago with wings was flying through space with music coming out of it. This vehicle belongs to the most interesting heroes for hire group in the galaxy. Inside were two men, one was a half man, half dog hybrid, also known as a mawg who was eating some ice cream and jamming to the music while the other man seemed to be drunk. Just then, the phone started ringing, so the human male began to wake up and grunted from the noise.

"Barf. Barf. Barf!" The human called out to his mawg friend. "Barf!"

"Always when I'm eatin'." The mawg who was named Barf complained before he put down the ice cream and picked up a doggy treat that was Milkbones.

"Barf!" The human complained.

"What can I do you for, Boss?"

"Where ya been?"

"Oh, just grabbin' myself a snack. You want some?"

"No!"

"C'mon. A little hair on the dot," Barf then said. "I also got this strange scent that's coming near our location."

"No," Lone Starr replied. "Answer that for me, will ya?"

"No problem," said Barf. As he turned to get into his chair, he accidentally smacked Lone Starr with his tail.

"Will you watch that thing?!" asked Lone.

"Oh, sorry. I'll just put it on audio," replied Barf. "That way they won't be able to see ya." He accidentally hit the video switch. "Yello?"

As the video monitor turned on, a crash was heard from in the back of the Winnebago. Before either of the pilots could check it out, the monitor turned on, revealing a silver man in a black suit.

"Hello, Lone Starr."

"Sorry, wrong switch." Barf replied sheepishly.

"Hello, Vinnie," said Lone. "What do you want?"

Vinnie shook his head. "No, no, no, no, no. It's not what I want. It's what he wants." he looked to his left, and the monitor panned over to reveal a massive, cackling blob of cheese covered with pepperoni.

Lionel and Thor poked their heads out to get a better look.

"Pizza the Hutt!" Lone Starr and Barf exclaimed.

"Dude... That guy's a mondo-size mozzarella special..." Lionel blinked, rubbing his eyes in shock.

"I may never eat pizza again." Thor groaned sickly.

"Well, if it isn't Lone Starr," declared Pizza. "And his sidekick, Puke!"

"That's Barf." The mawg corrected firmly.

"Barf, Puke, whatever," Pizza the Hutt scoffed. "Where's my money?"

"Don't worry, Pizza. You'll have it by next week." Lone Starr promised.

"No, no," Pizza the Hutt demanded. "I gotta have it by tomorrow."

"100,000 spacebucks, by tomorrow?" Lone Starr soon asked.

"A 100,000?" Pizza the Hutt laughed. "No way. You forgot late charges, which brings it up to, um, 1,000,000 spacebucks."

"A million?!" Lone Starr gasped. "That's unfair."

"Unfair to pay all, but enough to payee, but you gonna pay it, or else." Pizza the Hutt threatened as Lionel and Thor simply watched helplessly.

"Or else what?" Barf asked as brave as he could.

"Tell 'em, Vinnie." Pizza the Hutt told his mook.

"Or else Pizza is gonna send out for you." Vinnie remarked.

The two soon began to laugh before Vinnie seemed to take a piece of Pizza the Hutt to eat as Thor turned away and brought out a random bucket as he made vomit noises, turning as green as a freshly cooked piece of broccoli.

"Chow, boys." Pizza the Hutt smirked before signing off.

As the screen shut off, Barf's fake laughter turned to sobbing.

"Yowza..." Lionel remarked while he held Thor's hair as he puked. "These guys are _really_ in trouble..."

"We gotta help 'em..." Thor gulped. "Somehow... Someway... I wish I could magic them up some starbucks."

"Spacebucks." Lionel corrected.

"Those too." Thor then said.

"Well, here's hoping that something happens to help them out," Lionel replied. "I'd zap up the cash myself, but that would kinda kill the tension."

"Yeah..." Thor pouted. "Sometimes the life of an adventurer is hard. When do we make ourselves known since Cherry was with that Rule 63 C-3PO and spoiled rotten wannabe Princess Leia?" he then asked.

"I guess we can let them know soon," Lionel shrugged. "Go for it."

"All right, this might tickle a little." Thor said as he used his magic.

And so, the two were transported into the Winnebego with Barf and Lone Starr which, indeed, tickled a bit.


	2. Chapter 2

Meanwhile, in Princess Vespa's car, the princess along with Dot Matrix and Cherry were traveling through space and Vespa seemed to have rolls in her hair now.

"Can we talk?" Dot asked Vespa. "Okay, we all know Prince Valium is pilled, but you could've married him for your father's sake, and have a headache for the next 25 years."

Vespa didn't seem to hear her or just ignored her.

"HEY!" Cherry yelled out suddenly.

"What?" Vespa asked as she took out the rolls, revealing that they were just headphones. "What is it?

"I was saying, do realize what you've done?" Dot explained.

"Yes, and I'm glad," Vespa nodded. "Glad, glad, glad, glad, glad."

"I wonder if she's glad?" Cherry snarked to Dot.

* * *

"Princess Vespa's ship within range, sir." Col. Sandurz declared, back aboard Spaceball I.

"Good. Fire a warning shot across her nose." replied Dark Helmet.

* * *

A Spaceball started firing the guns, causing explosions around Vespa's ship, making her take off her headphones. "What's happening?" she asked.

"It's either the Fourth of July, or someone's trying to kill us!" replied Dot.

"I'm gonna go with the second one," Cherry replied, as more lasers exploded around the ship. "What is that?"

"It's the biggest furshlugginer spaceship in the universe," said Dot, as another laser rocked the ship. "...And it _hates_ us!"

As more laser blasts explode around Vespa's ship, said princess indignantly slammed her fists down on the control panel. "I don't have to put up with this. I'm rich!" she declared. She reached across Dot and picked up her princess phone.

"What are you doing?" asked Cherry, exasperated.

"I'm calling my father!" Vespa cried. "1-800-DRUIDIA. Operator... Could you make this call collect?"

"Aw, jeez, look at this," Cherry face-palmed. "Why would you want to call the same man who forced you into that marriage to begin with?"

"He's my father," Vespa told her. "You wouldn't understand."

Cherry rolled her eyes at that response.

* * *

Meanwhile, the villainous ship had taken fire, but missed.

"Careful, you idiot," Dark Helmet complained. "I said across her nose, not up it."

"Sorry, sir," The gunner replied as he showed that he was cross-eyed. "Doing my best."

"Who made that man a gunner?" Dark Helmet complained.

"I did, sir. He's my cousin." One man said, who was also cross-eyed.

"Who is he?" Dark Helmet asked.

"He's an Asshole, sir." Colonel Sandurz informed.

"I know that. What's his name?"

"That is his name, sir," Jackson replied. "Asshole, Major Asshole."

"And his cousin?" Dark Helmet asked.

"He's an Asshole, too, sir," Colonel Sandurz informed. "Gunner's-mate, 1st Class, Philip Asshole."

"How many Assholes we got on this ship, anyhow?" Dark Helmet asked.

A numerous chunk of the crew stood up to address themselves. "Yo!"

"I knew it," Dark Helmet complained. "I'm surrounded by Assholes."

"Actually, I'm a de Vil." Jackson spoke up.

"de Vil?" Dark Helmet asked him. "As in Cruella de Vil?"

"Yes, she's my aunt, and don't sing the song," Jackson replied. "She hates that."

"...Well, okay," Dark Helmet said before lowering his mask. "Keep firing, Assholes and de Vil!"

As Spaceball 1 continued firing on Vespa's ship, the princess continued her talk. "Hurry, Daddy, hurry! There are laser blasts all around us! I'm scared!"

* * *

And so, as the Eagle-5 Winnebago traveled through space, Lone Starr and his friends suddenly received a transmission from King Roland.

 ** _"Lone Starr. You gotta help me,"_** The king begged. **_"Please, save my daughter! She's being attacked by Spaceballs!"_**

"Spaceballs?! Forget it. Too dangerous!" replied Starr. "Besides, I'm already numero uno on Dark Helmet's hit list!"

"Look, Your Highness. It's not that we're afraid," explained Thor. "Far from it! It's just that we've got this thing about death. It's not us."

 ** _"Please! You must! You're the only ones that can save her,"_ **begged the king. **_"I'll give you anything! Do you hear me? Anything!"_**

"Ya hear that?" asked Lionel with a smirk. "He said 'anything'."

"Ooh, this just got juicy as a hickory-smoked chicken sandwich glazed with honey and applewood smoked bacon and--" Thor gushed.

"Okay, don't talk like that unless you have a picnic basket with ya." Lionel said, grasping Thor's mouth shut.

 ** _"Okay, we'll do it for a million."_** Starr said to King Roland.

"A million?" King Roland asked with wide eyes.

"Whoa, you startin' to fade here," Barf smirked slightly. "We're losing picture, Your Highness."

 ** _"All right, all right, I'll pay it!"_ **King Roland panicked. **_"Only find her, save her."_**

"All right, King, you just made a deal." Lionel said.

"One princess for 1,000,000 spacebucks." Thor added.

"What's she drivin'?" Starr soon asked.

 ** _"A brand new, white Mercedes, 2001 SEL Limited Edition. Moon roof, all leather interior,"_** King Roland described. ** _"I got it at a very good price. I paid cash. My cousin, Prince Murray, has a dealership in the valley. He was very nice to me. She also has a new friend with her who seemed to appear out of nowhere the other day."_**

Lionel and Thor nodded and winked at each other.

"What was their last position?" asked Lionel.

 ** _"Well, she was sort of bent-over and running as fast as she could."_ **King Roland began. 

"No, crater-brain!" Lionel spat. "The position of her spaceship!"

 ** _"She was going in the direction of the Andromeda Strain,"_ **King Roland replied. **_"And just passing Jupiter 2."_**

"I reckon she's headed for the Carl Sagan Shopping Mall," Barf whispered to Lone Starr. "They got the galaxy's biggest pet shop; maybe if we have time, we could stop and buy me a--"

"We don't have time," Lone said sharply. He looked to King Roland on the telescreen. "We'll find her," he said slowly, through his teeth, trying to sound like the hero of a space adventure movie.

 ** _"Bring her back safely,"_** The King told them. **_"And if you can, try to save the Mercedes."_**

And with that, the screen shut off.

Barf's face lit up with a grin. "1,000,000 space bucks! We'll be able to pay off Pizza the Hutt!" he exclaimed.

"Gimme paw!" Lone replied, and they both rubbed their hands together and howled with glee.

"That guy gets way too excited way too easily." Thor said to Lionel.

"I wonder what it's like to have a sidekick like that?" Lionel rolled his eyes playfully.

* * *

**_Meanwhile in the deep vacuums of space..._ **

Spaceball 1 fired their magnetic beam at Vespa's car.

"What's happening?" Vespa panicked. "What's that glow? We're not moving."

"Oh, we're moving all right, backwards." Dot replied.

"Oh, great," Cherry said. "Just what I needed in my life."

* * *

"Look, there's our princess," Lone said to his new crew. "She's got company."

"Oh, no, Spaceballs. And they've already got her in their magnetic beam," Barf looked concerned before shrugging. "Oh, well, we're too late. What a shame. I'll just throw 'em in reverse, and we'll get outta here." he then said, reaching for the reverse switch.

"Barf. No. Bad." Lone scolded the hybrid.

"Oh, what are we doing risking our lives for a runaway princess?" Barf firmly pouted then. "I know we need the money..."

"It's not just about the money." Thor spoke up.

"He's right," Lone agreed. "We're doing it for a shit load of money!"

"Glad to see you guys have your priorities straight." Thor frowned deeply.

"Well, they _are_ doing this so Pizza the Hutt doesn't send some hired goons to pump them full of space lead," Lionel replied. "But how do we save the princess? The minute we move in, the radar will spot us."

Starr flashed him a sly grin. "Not if we jam it!"

Barf returned the grin. "Good idea." he pulled down a small periscope, looked through it, and reached for a button on the handle. "Radar, about to be... Jammed!" he pressed the button.

* * *

A massive canister came flying out of Eagle-5, hurtling toward the radar dish of the Spaceball-1. BAAAAAAARRRROOOOOM! The canister exploded, and a thick, dark gooey substance splattered onto the radar dish with a loud 'plucccccccch'! The radar dish slowed, then stopped turning. The screens on the villains' ship soon began to go haywire as there were unfortunate and glitching sounds made which came from the radio tech who was making his own sound effects.

"Shhhhhhhhit!" The radio tech complained, sounding like static before cursing before poking his helmet with more sounds and took out a com-link to call for assistance. "Sir?!"

"What is it?" Colonel Sandurz asked.

"Can I talk to for a minute, please, sir." The radio tech asked, though his voice was garbled due to the machine.

Dark Helmet, Jackson, and Sandurz soon walked over. The radio tech tried to tell them what happened, though his voice was still garbled with the microphone.

"You don't need that, Private, we're right here," Sandurz said as he hung up the microphone. "Now, what is it?"

The radio tech continued in the garbled voice.

"Now, what is it?" Dark Helmet demanded as he made it so that the radio tech could speak more clearly.

"I'm having trouble with the radar, sir." The radio tech soon explained clearly.

"Why didn't you say so in the first place?" Jackson rolled his eyes.

"What's wrong with it?" asked Dark Helmet.

"I've lost the bleeps, I've lost the sweeps, and I've lost the creeps." explained the tech guy.

"The what?" asked Dark Helmet.

"The what?" asked Sandurz.

"And the what?" asked Jackson. "God, that's annoying..."

"You know! The bleeps..." the tech made radar beeping sounds. "...The sweeps..." he made noises by shaking his lips and cheeks. "...And the creeps!" he made beep-boop type noises.

"That's not all he's lost." Jackson muttered.

"Sir! The radar, sir!" the tech exclaimed as jam ran down the blank screen. "It appears to be... Jammed!"

Dark Helmet glowered angrily. "Jammed..." he wiped a bit of the jam off with a finger and licked it. "Raspberry!" he exclaimed angrily. "There's only one man who'd give me the raspberry!"

"You don't mean--" said Sandurz.

"Yes..." said Dark Helmet, as he lowered his helmet. "LONE STARR!"

* * *

**_Meanwhile in space..._ **

"There's a loving in your eyes all the way, If I listen to your lies, would you say, I'm a man without conviction, I'm a man who doesn't know, How to sell a contradiction, You come and go, you come and go-o-o-o~," Cherry sang to herself out of boredom while Dot and Vespa just stared at her. "Karma, karma, karma, karma, karma chameleon, You come and go, you come and go, Loving would be easy if your colors were like my dreams, Red, gold, and green, red, gold, and greeeeen~"

Meanwhile, there was suddenly a thump that started Dot and Vespa as a certain space RV hovered above it.

"What was that?" Vespa asked from the thump.

There was then a knocking sound.

"Never mind that. What was that?" Dot replied.

"Hi!" Barf smiled as he showed his face.

"Aaaugh!" Cherry, Vespa, and Dot yelped.

"Come on, Barf," Lionel's voice called down. "Get the passengers up here, pronto!"

"Who are you?" asked Princess Vespa.

"Barf!" The hybrid exclaimed. 

"Not in here you don't!" Dot yelled. "This is a Mercedes!"

"No, that's his name," Lionel sighed as he climbed in. "Unfortunate, I know."

"Ugh... _What_ are you?" Cherry asked. "Some kind of mutt man?"

"Exactly!" Barf beamed. "I'ma mawg: half man, half dog. I'm my own best friend."

"What do you want?" Vespa asked the hybrid.

"Your father hired Captain Lone Starr and me to save ya with our new rookies," Barf explained with pride. "C'mon, we gotta hop up this ladder and get outta here."

"Go, hurry, quick, darlings, follow the dog." Dot told the girls.

"Mawg. I'm a mawg." Barf corrected.

"Wait. What about my matched luggage?" Vespa then asked.

Barf soon began to whimper nervously.

"Great. Another Thor." Cherry complained.

"Hey, I'm right here!" Thor snapped as he poked his head out. "I didn't come so you could insult me like this. We didn't _have_ to rescue you, ya know!"

"Whoa! Jeez, Thor, take it easy!" Cherry replied.

"I may be dumb, but I'm not stupid!" Thor scolded her.

"Sorry!" Cherry said.

The girls soon climbed out of the ladder with Thor and Barf carrying all of the luggage, which was quite a lot due to a honeymoon which was probably never going to happen.

"Hey! Stop looking up my can." Dot told the mawg.

"Sorry." said Barf.

* * *

Lone Starr looked out of the cockpit as Barf and Thor stumbled in with a massive amount of luggage. "Checking in? What the hell is all that?" he asked.

Barf's response was muffled, as he was speaking through the strap.

"Speak up, would you?" asked Lionel.

"Her Royal Highness's matched luggage!" Thor stated.

Lionel rolled his eyes. "Gor-blimey; what does she think this is, a princess cruise?" he asked.

"Well, a certain wedding ceremony got interrupted which means a certain honeymoon won't be happening." Cherry agreed as she made it inside with Vespa and Dot.

"She wouldn't go without it." Barf added.

"Oh, yeah?" Lone asked before using his microphone. "Now hear this, as soon as we get outta here, the first thing we do is dump the matched luggage."

"What was that?" Dot asked.

"Now you hear this, whoever you are, you will not touch that luggage, and furthermore, I want this pig-sty cleaned up," Vespa glared as she used the intercom. "I will not be rescued in such filth."

"Oh, brother." Cherry grumbled.

"Listen. On this ship, I don't take orders, I give 'em," Lone scoffed. "This is my dreamboat, sweetheart."

Princess Vespa fumed in rage. "'Sweetheart'?!" she sputtered.

"Uh-oh." Dot mumbled.

"How dare you speak to me that way!" Vespa shouted into the microphone. "You will address me in the proper manner as 'Your Royal Highness'! I am Princess Vespa, daughter of Roland: King of the Druids!"

"That's all we needed," Lone Starr grumbled. "A Druish princess!"

Barf squinted. "...Funny. She doesn't _look_ Druish."

Lionel chuckled a little.

"How does one look Druish?" Thor wondered.

Vespa's car was coming through the floor.

"Now, we will show her who is in charge of this galaxy," Dark Helmet said as a guard cocked his weapon. "Hold it. I'll handle this personally."

"Ya-ho, Lord Helmet." The guard replied as he stepped back.

"So, Princess Vespa, you thought you could outwit the imperious forces of Planet Spaceball. Well, you were wrong. You are now our prisoner, and you will be held hostage until such time, as all of the air is transferred from your planet to ours," Dark Helmet said before he opened the door to look inside before seeing a gray pony doll with blonde mane with a stuffed muffin that accessorized with the corresponding pony with a note from Cherry that said, "Made ya look, suckahs!". "She's not in there." he then complained as he held his mask up.

"I'll give you 50 guesses of who did this." Jackson smirked without fear as the other guards simply covered their crotches in fear.

Just then, the radio tech guy was heard. "Radar repaired, sir! We're picking up the outline of a... Winnebago." he said.

Dark Helmet's eyes widened. "'Winnebago'?" he exclaimed. "Lone Starr!" he banged on the Mercedes' side. "Lone Starr...!"

The door of the Mercedes slammed on him, knocking him inside.

* * *

**_MEANWHILE, BACK ON EAGLE-5..._ **

"What do I dial for room service?" asked Princess Vespa over her microphone. 

Dot, meanwhile, was busying herself by dusting the cramped rear compartment.

"Forget about service... Here comes the Badyear Blimp!" exclaimed Lone Starr as he checked the radar screen. "The Spaceballs are comin' after us!"

"We gotta get out of here in a hurry." Barf said.

"Brilliant plan," Lone remarked sarcastically. "Didja go to college to figure out that one?"

"Well, what's your plan?" asked Barf defensively.

"Switch to secret hyperjets!" Starr ordered.

Barf shrugged. "Switching to secret hyperjets!" he replied, before pushing a few buttons.

Lionel turned on the intercom. "Ahoy, cosmic cats and kittens o' kismet; time to buckle up and strap yourselves in, cuz we're going into... Hyperactive!" he exclaimed.

Three feet behind the cockpit in the rear compartment, Princess Vespa was spraying the area with an aerosol can, labeled "ROYAL SMELL". "We're going into what?" she asked as she picked up the microphone.

"Never mind, honey," Lone Starr's voice said over the intercom. "Just sit down, buckle up."

Once more, Vespa's face knotted with fury. "'Honey'?! Who do you think you're talking to? May I remind you--"

But all she got in response was a loud click. Cherry took the headphones to cover her ears as Vespa howled and beat her fists on the wall. "Hate! Hate! Hate! Hate! Hate!" she growled.

"Don't hold it in, dear," said Dot soothingly. "Whaddya _really_ think of 'im?"

Cherry just rolled her eyes and took out a magazine that was inspired by Star Trek. "Somehow I relate to you, Mr. Spock." she said while reading.


	3. Chapter 3

**_Meanwhile..._ **

We're closing in on them, sir," Colonel Sandurz reported as they watched the space Winnebago. "In less than a minute, Lone Starr will be ours."

"Good," Dark Helmet replied as he lowered his mask. "Prepare to attack."

"Prepare to attack!" Colonel Sandurz called out to the cadets.

"On the count of three," Dark Helmet began to count down. "One, two--"

Suddenly, the Eagle 5 took off into hyperactive.

"What happened?" Dark Helmet asked as he lifted up his mask. "Where are they?"

"I don't know, sir," Colonel Sandurz remarked. "They must have hyper jets on that thing."

"Looks like our base has gone cuckoo... Like my aunt." Jackson commented.

"And what have we got on this thing? A quezinart?" Dark Helmet scoffed.

"No, sir." Colonel Sandurz replied.

"Well, find them catch them." Dark Helmet demanded.

"Or we'll have to be put out to pasture," Jackson added. "...Like my aunt."

"Yes, sir," Colonel Sandurz said as he took out the intercom to alert the cadets. "Prepare ship for light speed."

"No, no, no, light speed is too slow." Dark Helmet retorted.

"Light speed, too slow?" Colonel Sandurz repeated in surprise.

"Yes, we're gonna have to go right to ludicrous speed." Dark Helmet declared.

Everybody soon began to gasp before Jackson began to dance to a rap song called "Get Back".

"Not that kind of 'Ludacris'!" Dark Helmet told him sharply.

Col. Sandurz looked pale. "Ludicrous speed?! Sir, we've never gone that fast before!" he exclaimed. "I don't know if this ship can take it!"

Dark Helmet leaned in, menacingly close to his officer. "What's the matter, Colonel Sandurz?" he asked. "Are you... Chicken?"

"...Prepare the ship for ludicrous speed!" Sandurz commanded, his words echoing through the loudspeakers throughout the cruiser.

"Fasten all seat belts, seal all entrances and exits, close all shops in the mall, cancel the three-ring circus, secure all animals in the zoo--" Jackson began to announce through the microphone.

"Gimme that, you petty excuse for an intern with Two-Face hair." Dark Helmet scoffed as he took the microphone.

Sandurz soon sat in his seat and buckled up as a redheaded girl was coming to look for Jackson as they buckled up.

"Now hear this, ludicrous speed--" Dark Helmet began to announce.

"Sir, hadn't you better buckle up." Sandurz reminded his boss.

"Ah, buckle this," Dark Helmet scoffed and ignored him. "Ludicrous speed, Go!"

"Ooh, this should be interesting." Vicky said as she sat with Jackson.

"Who's that?!" Dark Helmet asked.

"My darling black orchid," Jackson replied. "Vicky Varner... AKA Vicky the Babysitter."

"What's so scary about a babysitter?" Dark Helmet scoffed. "And you say you strangled a Dalmatian when you were a baby."

"I did," Jackson replied. "You want the pictures?"

"I don't think anyone needs to see that." Dark Helmet said with a bit of a shudder.

Jackson stuck his tongue out in response while flipping two birds. The ship soon took off. The display lights soon lit up: Light Speed, Ridiculous Speed, and then Ludicrous Speed.

"Whoaaa! What have I done?!" Dark Helmet yelped as he held on tight while being blown back due to the speed. "My brains are going into my feet!"

* * *

Spaceball 1 soon passed over the space Winnebego, leaving a plaid shadow.

"What the hell was that?" Barf asked.

"Spaceball 1." Lone Starr replied.

"They've gone to plaid." Barf then realized.

"That can happen?" Thor asked the mawg.

"Sure, with enough speed." Barf nodded.

"Well, with them going so fast, they left us in the dust!" Lionel laughed. "So we don't hafta worry about them for a while."

"Nope!" Barf smiled as he scratched behind his own ear.

* * *

**_Back on the Spaceballs ship..._ **

"We passed them!" Dark Helmet cried out. "Stop this thing!"

"We can't stop. It's too dangerous," Sandurz told him. "We have to slow down first."

"Bullshit!" Just stop this thing," Dark Helmet replied. "I order you. Stooooop!"

Jackson soon pulled the emergency brake which read, "Emergency Stop, never use".

The ship soon stopped and Dark Helmet went flying into a panel.

"Are you all right, sir?" Sandurz asked as he helped his boss up to the floor.

"Fine. How've you been?"

"Fine, sir."

"Good."

"It's a good thing you were wearing that helmet."

"Yeah."

"What should we do now, sir?"

"Well, are we stopped?"

"We're stopped, sir."

"Good. Well, why don't we take a five-minute break?" Dark Helmet soon suggested.

"Very good, sir." Sandurz nodded.

"Smoke if you got 'em." Dark Helmet said before falling over suddenly.

Jackson and Vicky seemed to roll their eyes.

Far behind on Eagle-5, Starr pulled back on the throttle. "Take 'er out of hyperactive." he told Barf.

"Coming out of hyperactive," Barf replied; the ship slowed down, and the white streaks of light became visible stars again. "Congrats, Boss; we're safe. They overshot us by a year and a half!"

"Alright, boys; next stop, Druidia!" Lionel declared, chewing a toothpick.

"Mazal Tov!" Thor beamed.

"Settin' a course for--" Barf began before the Winnebego started to shake. "Drudi-i-i-i-i--"

"What's that?" Lone Starr asked from the shaking.

"Barf! What's goin' on?" Thor cried out.

"I don't know. I don't know," Barf said, trying to keep calm. "We're losing power. Why? 'Cuz we're outta gas."

"Hmm... We must've burned it up in hyperactive." Lionel guessed.

"I told you we should've put more than five bucks worth in." Barf said to his partner.

"Okay, we'll have to set her down," Lone Starr decided. "Prepare for emergency landing. Quick, give me a reading."

"How, oh, Father, be in heaven," Barf soon began to pray. "Thou will be Thy name, by kingdom come--"

"Will you stop that?" Lone Starr glared before taking out his microphone. "Keep your seat belts fastened back there. You okay, Princess?"

"No, you idiot!" Vespa huffed. "Where'd you learn how to fly?!"

"Okay, Eagle 5, coming in." Lone Starr then said.

"It smells like wet dog back here!" Cherry's voice complained.

"I just took my monthly bath, thank you very much, Little Miss Sunshine!" Barf glared in defense.

"Both of you, knock it off!" Lionel snapped. "Bad enough we're out of gas, we don't need you two sniping at each other!"

The Princess grabbed the microphone; her hair was mussed, she looked terribly disheveled, and her dress was on backwards.

"No, I'm not okay, you idiot!" she shouted. "I'm okay for a tossed salad! But I'm NOT a tossed salad, I'm a princess! Where did you learn to fly? We've been thrown around back here so hard--"

CLICK! Lone Starr and Lionel both turned off the intercom, silencing her tirade.

"That... Was obnoxious." Lionel sighed.

"Yep." Lone Starr nodded.

* * *

Eventually, they continued to pass through the stars and darkness of space.

"Space: the final frontier. These are the voyages of the starship Enterprise," Thor's voice began to narrate in an over the top dramatic voice. "Its five-year mission: to explore strange new worlds. To seek out new life and new civilizations. To boldly go where no man has gone before!"

"You do know that's a different franchise, right?" Lionel asked Thor.

"Sorry, just wanted to get my sci-fi references out of the way whenever possible," Thor replied before tugging on his ears as he soon tried out all of the ones he knew. "Nanu-Nanu. One of us. One of us. Piiiiigs iiiiin Spaaaace! To infinity and beyond! One small step for man, one giant leap for mankind. DAMMIT, JIM, I'M A DOCTOR, NOT A RODEO CLOWN!"

Lionel blinked. "...I don't even know Star Trek, and I'm definitely sure that's not how that line goes..." he remarked. "Okay, Eagle 5, coming in!"

The Eagle 5 went into a descent toward the planet Vega. Barf was in a panic, but Lone Starr was in complete control.

"Left, left... No, no, right, I mean right!" yelped Barf. "Pull up, pull up!"

"For Pete's sake, MAKE UP YOUR MIND!" Cherry yelled.

The Eagle 5 plowed through one sand dune before coming to a stop on another. In the back of Eagle 5, Vespa stood up.

"Where are you going?" Dot asked.

"I'm going to tell him off, once and for all!" Vespa declared.

"Wait, wait, wait! We need him if we're going to get out of here!" Dot protested. "Besides, he has a sexy voice. He might be cute!" she winked.

Vespa rolled her eyes. "'Cute'? I know these space bums, they're all alike. Fat, ugly, beer-swilling pigs!" she snapped.

"Ooh, you're a Princess Charming." Cherry rolled her eyes.

"How dare you!" Vespa glared. "I'll have your head for this!"

"Go ahead," Cherry grinned. "I'll probably grow a new one."

"Called me an idiot?" Lone Star scoffed. "I'm going back there and explain a few things to her."

"Yeah, but, you don't know what she looks like." Barf reminded.

"I know what she looks like. If you've seen one princess, you've seen 'em all," Lone Starr rolled his eyes. "Bucked-toothed, knocked-knees, horse-faced, space dogs." he then snorted, getting ready to go to the back.

"Yeah, well, I normally I'd--" Barf replied, about to go with him.

"Careful, Barf!" Thor warned.

"Ow!" Barf groaned as he noticed his seatbelt was still on. "Thanks, kid... That's gonna leave a mark."

* * *

Meanwhile, both warring parties made their way towards one another.

"Now listen, you..." Vespa began, but she stopped when she saw that Lone Starr wasn't nearly as bad-looking as she expected.

Starr was caught off guard as well, but soon composed himself. " _You_ listen! On this ship, you are to refer to me as 'idiot', not 'you captain'!" he stumbled over his words. "...I mean... You know what I mean!"

"And you will not call me 'you'. You will never refer to me as 'you'," declared Vespa. "You will call me 'Your Royal Highness'!"

"You are a royal pain in the--"

Just then, Barf interrupted. "Whoa! Hold it! Time!" he exclaimed.

"What?!" asked the two squabblers.

"Might I make a small suggestion?" asked Barf. "Any second now, the Spaceballs are gonna make a major U-Turn, they're gonna come back this way, and make us all dead!"

Lionel nodded. "He speaks the truth."

"So stop arguing, chill out, and let's all have some fun and pie!" Thor said.

"Yeah, let's have some--" Cherry added before glancing at him. "Wait, what?"

"I was thinking of baking a pie, unless you'd prefer cake." Thor then said as he brought out an egg beater.

"Barf and the kid are right," Lone Starr soon remarked. "Let's go."

"Wait. My things." Vespa realized.

"Listen, you royal--" Lone Starr glared at the spoiled princess.

"Mm..." Vespa narrowed her eyes.

"...Highness," Lone Starr forced himself to say. "Take only what you need to survive."

"Guys, I'll never make it out in that desert sun," Cherry said to Lionel and Thor. "I get heat frustration easily."

"Not a problem," Lionel replied. "I came prepared!"

A little while later, Cherry was on Lionel's back, an umbrella over her head, and some bottles of water in his backpack.

"I'd prefer cooler air or a cooler climate, but I guess this'll do." Cherry said softly.

"Please, slow down," Dot said as she carried an umbrella for Vespa as they walked off together. "I'm getting sand up my gears."

"Jeez. I hope she didn't forget anything." Barf rolled his eyes, carrying a rather large trunk for the princess.

"All right, wait a minute, Barf, put it down," Lone Starr said before he came to open the trunk. "What the hell's in this thing?" he then opened the trunk and pulled out a rather large hairdryer. "What's this? I said to take only what you need to survive!"

"It's my industrial-strength hairdryer and I can't live without it." Vespa defended.

"You have got to be kidding me!" Thor glared at her. "This isn't a vacation, Royal Hiney-ness!"

"All right, princess. That's it," declared Lone, throwing the dryer down. "The fairy tale's over. Welcome to real life! You want this hot air machine? You carry it!"

Vespa jumped back. "My father is paying you a lot of money," she shrieked. "You pick that up!"

"YOU pick it up!" Starr retorted.

The princess raised her head haughtily in royal disapproval. "How dare you, you insolent peasant! Nobody talks to me that way! Nobody! Nobody!"

"First time for everythin', royal pain!" Lionel retorted.

Lone's eyes flashed with anger. He was ready for a good fight. This royal broad had been asking for it ever since he rescued her. "Those flashing eyes. Those flushed cheeks. Those trembling lips. You know something, princess?" he asked.

"I'm beautiful when I'm angry?" she suggested.

Lone shook his head. "Nope, ugly as a goat."

Cherry and Thor seemed to smirk at that.

"Naughty, naughty." Lionel said to them.

"She started it." Cherry kept her smirk.

"That's it," Vespa glared at Lone Starr. "You and your dog are f--"

"Please, please. Total humans, droids, if I may," Barf spoke up so a fight wouldn't break out. "It's going to be very dark soon, so I suggest we find a place to camp for the night."

"Vomit is right." Cherry said.

"My name is Barf." Barf corrected.

"Like it matters." Cherry stuck her tongue out in disgust.

"Cherry, be nice." Thor firmly pouted.

"Yeah, stop being a jerk," Lionel added. "And don't talk to me about how he started it, you insulted him first, but I'm not gonna make you say sorry, cuz you probably won't mean it."

Cherry glanced over a bit.

"What's gotten into you?" Thor asked. "And don't say the heat."

"I'm just really annoyed right now," Cherry said. "Especially since I've been stuck with that spoiled princess for about a week without my consent!"

"Well, _anyone_ would be annoyed with her," Lionel replied. "But picking on Barf is only making things worse!"

"Yeah, Cherry, he's pretty cool if you ask me," Thor smiled. "I wish I could have my own mawg."

"I thought maybe that was you." Cherry smirked.

Thor growled at her, getting in her face, making her look nervous and turn pale.

"...I'm sorry." Cherry uttered out weakly.

"Suuuure you are," Lionel rolled his eyes. "You're just saying that cuz he's all mad at you. Tell ya what, when you apologize and MEAN IT, then I'll consider accepting that apology."

"Pfft... All right..." Cherry grumbled.

They soon continued to walk off, though they left the massive hairdryer behind.

"See, it's lighter." Lone Starr remarked.

"Oh, yeah. This is best," Barf replied. "I could carry two of three of these."

"Yeah, right." Cherry mumbled.

* * *

A video operator was scanning for any possible traces of the missing group which included Princess Vespa and Dot Matrix.

"Have you found them yet?" Dark Helmet asked the video operator.

"No, Lord Helmet," The video operator replied. "They're still not on the scanners."

"Well, keep looking for them," Dark Helmet said. "I'm just glad we at least didn't hire Professor Finbarr Calamitous. That guy can't ever finish anything!"

"I might have an idea." Vicky piped up.

"Go for it," replied Dark Helmet. "At this point, we're desperate."

"Show 'em, baby." Jackson told the redheaded girl.

"We'll simply look through the manuscript of 'Cherry & Lionel in Spaceballs' on DeviantART, Archiveofourown, Wattpad, or the official wiki!" Vicky then piped up.

"Colonel Sandurz, may I speak with you, please?" Dark Helmet soon asked as Vicky dashed off.

"Yes, sir." Sandurz nodded and walked off.

"How could there be a manuscript of Cherry and Lionel's adventures in Spaceballs the Movie?" Dark Helmet asked as he lifted his mask up. "PerkyGoth14 and whoever's collabing the storyline with her are still in the middle of making it."

"That's true, sir, but there's been a new breakthrough in fan-fiction marketing." Sandurz informed.

"There has?" Dark Helmet asked.

"Yes, instant fan-fiction with the first few chapters out in advance," Sandurz explained. "They're out on computers or phones and tablets before the story is finished."

"Here it is," Vicky said as she typed on a different computer through a search engine. "'Cherry & Lionel in Spaceballs'."

The page began to load as the _Cherry's Adventures_ wiki was shown with a video based on the story since this was the future.

"Okay, this is pretty trippy." replied Dark Helmet, reading the text on the page, which was the exact same thing he was saying at that moment.

"Maybe this would be better on a video, this is the future after all." Vicky suggested.

"Works for me," Jackson agreed. "Who reads text these days?"

"What the hell am I reading?!" Dark Helmet asked. "When does this happen in the story?!"

"Now. You're looking at now, sir," Sandurz informed. "Everything that happens now, is happening now."

Dark Helmet looked at the text as it changed again. "What happened to then?"

"We passed then?"

"When?"

"Just now. We're at now, now."

"Go back to then."

"When?"

"Now."

"Now?"

"Now."

"I can't."

"Why?"

"We missed it."

"When?"

"Just now.

"When will then be now?" Dark Helmet then asked.

Jackson and Vicky soon face-palmed and their heads bowed together. Vicky soon clicked on a story section which read "Collabs with CartoonNetwork90sFan", "Collabs with Thunder Pony", "Collabs with AnnaleaseTurner", then clicked on "Collabs with Sonic Thunder Saiyan Turtle AKA Scrappy Doo Fan" and scrolled through until she found the Spaceballs story on video and the desert was soon shown with Cherry, Thor, Lionel, Vespa, Barf, Lone Starr, and Dot Matrix. Luckily, the co-stars looked fine in the scene with the original characters and not badly edited with random scenes made together to make it look like they were there and lazy subtitles added in.

"Sir!" declared Corporal.

"What?" asked Dark Helmet.

"We've identified their location."

"Where?"

"It's the moon of Vega!"

"Good work," declared Sandurz. "Set a course and prepare for our arrival."

"When?" asked Dark Helmet, confused.

"1900 hours, sir." replied Corporal.

"By high noon tomorrow, they shall be our prisoners." declared Col. Sandurz.

"WHO?!" yelled Dark Helmet, before his mask slammed down.

Jackson and Vicky face-palmed.


	4. Chapter 4

Later that night, in the desert, everyone was getting settled for the night as Dot had entered "Sleep Mode".

"Let's get you comfortable, Cherry." Thor smiled.

"By all means," Cherry replied. "At least it's even cooler out here than it was earlier."

Lionel put out some sleeping bags for himself and the others before settling into his own. "Alright, good night, everyone," he then declared. "We set off for Druidia by morning."

The others nodded at that as they got settled for the night, though Barf seemed to whimper and whine while twitching in his sleep.

"Must be chasing rabbits," Thor smiled bashfully. "I remember that I used to do that all the time."

"When you were a little kid?" Cherry asked.

"Last year," Thor smiled. "It was a bit of a phase I was going through."

Cherry and Lionel blinked at that, but didn't say anything as Vespa began to shiver before Lone Starr decided to give her a coat to warm her up with.

"No, thank you, I'm perfectly fine." replied Vespa.

"Take it, it's freezing." said Lone.

"Well, if you insist," Vespa took a brief sniff. "Won't you be cold?"

"Nah, cold doesn't bother me."

"I just can't seem to find Druidia." Vespa said, gazing upwards.

Lone pointed upwards. "It's right there. It's that big, bluish one. See?" he replied.

Thor began to watch Lone Starr and Vespa interacting.

"Oh, yeah, but it's so far away." Vespa said softly.

"Don't worry; I'll get ya there." Lone promised.

"Which one's yours?"

"Who knows?" The man shrugged.

"You don't know where you're from?" Vespa asked, concerned and curious.

"Not really. I was found on the doorstep of a monastery."

"Monastery? Where?"

"Somewhere in the Ford Galaxy."

"Well, didn't the monks tell you who your parents are?"

"They couldn't. They took a vow of silence. All I got was this," Lone told the princess as he pulled a medallion out of his shirt which had some kind of writing. "It was around my neck."

"What is it?" The princess asked.

"I don't know," Lone shrugged. "I've taken it to every wise man in the universe. No one can tell me what it means."

"It's beautiful. You know, I--... It's beautiful."

The two then suddenly stopped talking as Lone put the medallion back in his shirt before they noticed Thor was watching them.

"Please... Don't mind me," Thor smiled. "I like a good love story. Anything's better than Twilight."

"So how come you ran away from your wedding?" asked Lone.

"Well, if you must know, I wasn't in love with the groom." replied Vespa.

"Why were you gonna marry him?"

"Because I'm a princess, and I have to marry a prince."

"Ah, And he didn't do it for you."

Lionel chuckled in his sleep.

"Yeah, he didn't... 'do it' for me," Vespa explained. "I really must go back. I shouldn't have run away. I realize now that love is one luxury a princess cannot afford."

"You're probably right." Lone replied.

"I know, now, that I must live without love."

"I guess so."

"Besides, love isn't that important." Vespa decided.

"Nah, never was." Starr shrugged.

"I could be perfectly happy the rest of my life without love." said Vespa.

"Aww..." Thor pouted.

"Kid, please!" Lone complained to the young warlock.

Thor soon slunk back over to sit with Cherry and Lionel.

"Sure you could." Lone said to Vespa.

"Without physical contact."

"Yeah."

"Without being held." Vespa then said, moving closer to him.

"Yeah." Lone replied, coming closer to her.

"Or kissed."

The two were soon about to kiss when an alarm started going off which was Dot's Virgin Alarm.

* * *

"Abandon ship! Abandon ship! Women and mawgs first!" Barf grunted and yelped as he soon woke up with his tail wagging.

Cherry sputtered and grunted before moving Barf's tail out of the way. Lionel screeched like a cat and shot into the air, his hair standing on end.

"We'll have no more of that, mister!" Dot exclaimed as she stomped over. "How far did he get? Where'd he touch? Where'd he touch?"

"Nothing happened." Vespa replied.

"What the hell was that noise?" asked Lone.

"That was my Virgin Alarm," explained Dot. "It's programmed to go off before YOU do! You get back to bed, miss! And as for you, Sex Fiend--" she said, turning on Lone.

"All right, all right! Let's all get some sleep," replied Lone. "We gotta get moving before dawn."

"Why so early?" asked Barf.

"Because we're in the middle of a desert, and we're not gonna get far once that blazing sun gets overhead." replied Lone.

* * *

**_SOON..._ **

Turns out, he was right.

"Nice dissolve." Barf commented.

Thank you!

"I thought this was Lionel's job." Cherry commented.

"Guess other people can do it too in a Mel Brooks movie," Thor replied. "Remember when _Blazing Saddles_ almost ended?"

* * *

When the next morning came, everyone soon traveled through the desert, all panting and exhausted as they begged for the things they needed and wanted the most while traveling under the hot sun.

"Water, water..." Lone groaned a bit.

"Water." Barf added, panting more than the others did since he was part dog.

"Oil, oil..." Dot begged.

"Room service, room service..." Vespa added wearily.

"Free WiFi... Bacon cheeseburger... At least a casino and stage magicians if I gotta be in the desert..." Cherry groaned.

"Less whining...." Lionel added. "Maybe a couple'a comic books, even--"

Piece-by-piece, they abandoned Vespa's luggage; but even with a lightened load, the trek through the desert was still a long, arduous one.

"I can't... I can't... I can't go... I can't go any further," groaned Barf, who was carrying Dot. "I can't go any further."

"Just one more dune to go..." said Lone.

"Nope. You said that three dunes ago... I've got nothin' left..." Barf grunted. "Oh, waiter... Check please." And he and Thor collapsed in the sand.

"Aw, great..." Cherry groaned.

"I can't go on anymore..." Vespa complained.

"No, we gotta keep moving!" Cherry told them. "We can't _all_ pass out!"

"Cherry... If anything happens... I wish to be buried at the Temple..." Vespa said wearily.

"The Jewish Temple?" Cherry asked.

"Don't be ridiculous... The Druish Temple is more expensive... And... Exotic... I should be in there..." Vespa said before she fell after Lone Starr, Barf, Dot, and Thor.

"This is worse than _The Wizard of Oz's_ poppy field..." Cherry said before crying out. "SOMEBODY HELP!"

Fortunately, help was approaching, in the form of a tribe of short people with brownish-golden skin. When they saw our heroes on the ground, they immediately rushed to their aid. They each split up and gave water to the humans/humanoids and mawg, and oil to the robot.

"Uh... Hello there..." Cherry said to them.

The people soon looked at her and gave her water too.

"...It'll do," Cherry said as she soon drank the water. "Are you the Munchkins?"

The people then shook their heads while helping out as they sang their little song.

"Did I miss something?" Lone Starr asked wearily. "When did we get to Disneyland?"

"I reckon these little guys are leading us to safety," Lionel yawned as they were led away.

"Dink, dink, dink, dink..." sang the... Er, um, Dinks.

"What are they sayin'?" asked Thor.

"Well, it's obvious they want us to go with them." replied Vespa.

"I'll take your word for it." Thor shrugged.

They soon started walking down a tunnel with a huge statue at the end.

* * *

Meanwhile, the villains had already arrived on the planet, beginning their search for the fugitive group. Dark Helmet appeared to be wearing a huge safari helmet with a matching uniform as he looked through a pair of binoculars while standing in the cruiser.

"Find anything, sir?" Jackson asked.

"I don't see them, Mr. de Vil; they must be hiding." Dark Helmet replied.

"We've sent the troops up to Vector 78 already, sir." Sandurz then reported.

"Good, now let's get going." Dark Helmet replied.

"Yes, sir," Sandurz nodded. "Driver, prepare to move out."

"What are you preparing?" You're always preparing. Just go!" Dark Helmet complained.

"Just go!" Sandurz then told the driver who was Vicky.

"Sir, I think you should sit down." Vicky advised her boss before the cruiser took off which slammed Dark Helmet into his seat.

* * *

**_MEANWHILE..._ **

"What is this place?" asked Lionel.

"It looks like the Temple of Doom." commented Barf.

"Sure ain't Temple Bethresel." remarked Dot.

"C'mon. I think we'd better follow 'em." said Lone.

Just then, steam began coming out of the ears of the statue.

"Uh-oh," Thor exclaimed. "I think we woke it up!"

And on that, Dot turned and made a run for it. "Goodbye, folks!" she declared. "Lemme know how it turns out!"

"You're probably wondering why it's funny when _she_ does it," Lionel told Cherry. "But when it happens in the _Toonyverse_ , it's cruel? Ex-eh-cu-tion."

Cherry nodded at what Lionel said. "At least we don't ask our friends what they want to be written as their epitaph or if they want an open or closed casket at their funeral." she then remarked.

"Yeech." Thor grimaced at how dark and tasteless that "joke" sounded.

"Come back here, Dot!" Vespa called. "We need you!"

"C'mon, we gotta keep going." Lone Starr demanded.

"What's gonna happen now?" Vespa asked.

"Don't ask, maybe it won't." Lone Starr advised.

"Well, what if it does?" Barf pried. "I don't know about you, but I'm all for leaving. I think we oughtta get outta here."

Some fire then came out of the statue's eyes which startled them all.

"Silence!" A voice boomed. "Who dares enter the sacred and awesome presence of the everlasting know-it-all Yogurt?"

"Not The Great and Powerful Oz?" Cherry replied.

"NO!" The voice boomed. The bottom of the statue opened up, and small man about three feet tall emerged. "You heard of me?" he asked.

"Heard of ya?" asked Lone. "Who hasn't of Yogurt?"

"Yogurt the Wise." said Cherry.

"Yogurt, the All-Powerful." added Dot.

"Yogurt the Magnificent!" added Thor.

"Please, please, don't make a fuse. I'm just plain Yogurt." replied the little man, modestly.

"But you're the one..." started Starr.

"Yes. I am the keeper of a greater magic," said Yogurt. "A power known throughout the universe, known as..."

"The force?" asked Barf.

"No. The Schwartz!" Yogurt declared. "Besides, The Force was Alec Guiness... And Ewan McGregor."

"The Schwartz?" asked the group.

Lionel glanced at the camera. "Well, I'll be!" he beamed.

"Yes. The Schwartz." Yogurt nodded as he held out his ring which was The Schwartz and was a different ring than what Dark Helmet had.

"But, Yogurt, what is this place?" Lone Starr asked the small man. "What is that you do here?"

"Merchandising." Yogurt replied.

"Merchandising?" Barf asked. "What's that?"

"Merchandising. Come," Yogurt invited. "I'll show. Open up this door."

The tiny friends soon opened the slab in the wall and inside was a whole bunch of "Spaceballs: The Movie" merchandise.

"Ha, ha, ha, come. Walk this way," Yogurt chuckled as he invited them inside. "Take a look. We put the picture's name on everything. Merchandising. Merchandising. Where the real money from the movie is made. Spaceballs: the T-shirt, Spaceballs: the Coloring Book, Spaceballs: the Lunch box, Spaceballs: the Breakfast Cereal, Spaceballs-the Flame Thrower," he then turned it on which made his little friends "Ooh" in response. "The kids love this one. Last, but not least, Spaceballs: the Doll. Me." he then said, holding up a doll of himself and pulled the string.

"May the Schwartz be with you." The Yogurt doll spoke.

"Adorable." Yogurt then nodded as his little friends giggled.

"...Impressive," Cherry replied. "Coming soon though will be Cherry & Lionel in Spaceballs... Or something like that."

"And even Spaceballs fan fiction!" Yogurt laughed. "That's where the real attention is! If ya like something enough, people write about it!"

Cherry, Lionel, and Thor all shared a look with each other before looking back.

* * *

Meanwhile, in the desert, six troopers were moving large combs around to comb the desert while Dark Helmet and Sandurz watched them.

"Sir?" Sandurz asked his boss.

"WHAT?" Dark Helmet replied with his bullhorn right next to him.

Sandurz winced from the loudness. "Are we being too literal?" he then asked.

"No, you fool. We're following orders. We were told to comb the desert, so we're combing it," Dark Helmet clarified before he shouted out to the troopers down below. "Found anything yet?!"

"Nothing yet, sir!" Jackson called back as he combed with Vicky.

"How about you?!" Dark Helmet asked another pair of troopers.

"Not a thing, sir!" Mark Chang called out as he combed with Princess Mandie.

"What about you guys?!" Dark Helmet called down.

"We ain't found shit!" Pain called back with his and Panic's tiny comb.

"Whoa! We're from a Disney movie!" Panic said to his fellow imp.

"Those rules don't apply to this universe!" Pain retorted.

* * *

**_MEANWHILE..._ **

Yogurt and Lone stood in front of the big statue, where Yogurt inspected his medallion.

"It's a big mystery," said Lone. "None of the wise men could tell me what it means."

Yogurt scoffed. "Wise men, whadda _they_ know? They're all a buncha dummies. Lemme take a look." he replied, before making some weird noises.

"You can read it?" asked Lone.

"No, I was just clearing my throat," replied Yogurt. "Here, let me take look at this. Ohh, yes. Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, of course."

"You understand it?" asked Lone.

Yogurt nodded.

"What's it say?" asked Starr.

Yogurt shook his head. "I cannot tell you that now; it will be revealed to you at the proper time."

"Waiting..." Cherry said. "Sounds like some of our assignments from Drell."

"But that makes it fun!" Thor beamed. "A little mystery is always interesting."

"Hm..." Cherry rolled her eyes at him.

"C'mon, don't be disappointed," Yogurt told all of them. "You seem like an adventurous young lady."

"As a matter of fact, I am," Cherry replied. "I've been through so much."

"I'd love to hear about it sometime, now, back to the Schwartz training," Yogurt then said, though mostly to Lone Starr. "Here, take the ring. Point it at that big statue."

"Okay, but I still don't understand how I'm going to lift that big statue with this little ring." Lone Starr said as he put the ring on.

"Never underestimate the power of the Schwartz." Yogurt advised.

Lone Starr soon pointed the ring to the statue, but nothing happened.

"C'mon, concentrate." Yogurt advised.

The statue soon started to lift off of the ground.

"He's not wrong," Lionel nodded. "You're really doing great."

"Keep at it," Cherry advised. "Just keep it up!"

"I can't believe it," Lone Starr smiled at himself. "The Schwartz, it's working."

"Hey, Boss, how'd you do that?" Barf asked as he walked by the statue.

Lone Starr then put the ring down just as the statue fell on Barf's foot which made the mawg howl and whine out of pain.

"Gimme the ring. Gimmie the ring," Yogurt said as he took the ring from Lone Starr and pointed it at the big statue to lift the statue up. "Upsidasi, upsimasi, upsidaisy."

The statue soon lifted up, and Barf lifted his foot out as it was now big and flat as he continued to howl in pain.

"Sorry, Barf." Lone Starr said nervously.

"Ooh, that looks really painful." Cherry winced.

"Well, at least you're showing concern for his injury," Lionel commented. "Quite a change from how you were comparing him to Thor in a very rude and insulting manner."

"...Yeah, well... You... I just... He..." Cherry narrowed her eyes a bit.

Thor soon came by and winced. "You okay, Barf?" he then asked.

"I'm just in a bit of pain." Barf groaned.

"Hmm... I think I can fix that." Thor smirked as he seemed to conjure up a little magic in his hand.

With a little zap, Thor sent the magic into Barf's flattened foot, restoring it to normal.

"Whoa, that's pretty nifty!" Barf exclaimed. "Thanks a bunch, kiddo!"

"No problem." Thor replied.

"Healing spell?" Cherry asked Thor.

"Healing spell." Thor nodded proudly before he suddenly yawned and sounded like Chewbacca before he finished.

"...Never do that again." Cherry narrowed her eyes.

"Nyah!~" Thor pulled down his left eyelid and stuck out his tongue at her.

Cherry rolled her eyes. "I feel like this is how your uncle got to be in charge of everything." she said in deadpan.

"Maybe, maybe not," Lionel shrugged. "But hopefully the worst is behind us."

Everyone soon went to get comfortable as night began to fall in the Temple and Vespa quickly fell asleep.

"Guess she's catching up on some beauty sleep." Cherry shrugged at herself.


	5. Chapter 5

**_Outside the Temple..._ **

Dark Helmet was standing next to the secret door. He couldn't see because it is covered in sand as Sandurz was telling the troops what to do before Jackson and Vicky came back.

"Keep searching," Sandurz told the other troopers before looking at their boss. "It's no use, sir. We've searched everywhere."

"Wait. I feel the presence of the Schwartz." Dark Helmet suddenly said.

"The Schwartz?" Sandurz repeated.

"Yes. It's coming..." Dark Helmet said as he brought out the ring which made Sandurz and Jackson cover their crotches. "From somewhere down... There."

Jackson soon brushed away the sand. "There's a secret entrance with a letter here," he then said. "It's a Y."

"Yogurt," Dark Helmet growled. "Yogurt. I hate Yogurt. Even with strawberries."

"Yogurt?" Vicky asked.

"I'll explain later." Dark Helmet told the redheaded girl.

"I'll call the attack squad, sir." Sandurz suggested.

"We can't go in there; Yogurt has the Schwartz," Dark Helmet advised. "It's far too powerful."

"But, sir, your ring. Don't you have the Schwartz, too?" Jackson asked.

"No, he got the up-side. I got the down-side," Dark Helmet explained. "You see, there's two kinds of every Schwartz."

"Well, how are we gonna go in there and get her?" Jackson soon asked.

"We will not go in there," Dark Helmet smirked with an idea hatched from his brain. "She will come out to us."

"What a brilliant idea." Jackson grinned.

"Most brilliant!" Vicky added. "Then after that, I'll get revenge on the twerp and that strong Hercules mermaid wannabe for getting me fired from the Turners and ruined my reputation as a babysitter!"

"Uh... Right." Dark Helmet blinked at Vicky's motivations for being a villain.

* * *

The group was asleep in the temple, when Vespa heard a mysterious voice. **_'Vespa... Vespa, my child; Where are you?'_**

The princess woke up. "Daddy...?" she asked.

 ** _'Vespa, it's your father, King Roland...'_ **said the voice. **_'Come to me...'_**

"Daddy... Daddy, I hear you... I hear you..." Vespa replied as she got to her feet. "Where are you?" she asked, as she walked out the door.

 ** _'Follow my voice...'_ **echoed King Roland's voice. ** _'Come to me... Come to me..."_**

By then, Dot had woken up. "Vespa, where are you going?" she asked, but received no response as the princess was off and about.

Cherry was fast asleep for a few moments before an eye opened. "Hey, wait!" she then called out to the princess. "Come back, Princess Hemorrhoid!"

 ** _'Vespa... Come to me...'_ **King Roland called as he seemed to be standing out in the middle of the desert.

"Daddy, is it really you?" Vespa asked as she came to her father.

"Yes, my dear," King Roland replied. "I guarantee it. Would I lie?"

"Daddy." Vespa said softly.

"Oh, Vespa, don't." Dot said as she turned into Supervision Mode.

Vespa soon reached out to hug her father, but he soon turned out to be Dark Helmet as she fainted and fell into his arms from surprise at the overwhelming trick put on her. "Fooled you!" he then laughed as he pulled on his mask.

"Okay, that's it..." Cherry said before she narrowed her eyes and took out a lightsaber. "Time to get serious."

"Hello, Cherry Butler." Jackson grinned.

"Jackson?!" Cherry asked. "What're _you_ doing here?!"

"Making your worst nightmares come true..." Jackson grinned as he approached her. "Tell no one what you saw and I might let you live."

"Y-You don't scare me!" Cherry said as she backed away. "You may be an inhuman, sadistic, cruel beast, but I won't betray my friends!"

"Would you guys keep it down?" Lionel asked, coming over while holding a cinderblock. "Some of us are TRYING to sleep here!"

Cherry froze on the spot a bit.

Lionel looked over to her and at Jackson. "...Whaaaat's goin' on here?" he then asked.

"Lionel, you remember Atticus's worst enemy and my personal living nightmare next to Drell: Wacko Jacko de Vil." Cherry introduced as Jackson narrowed his eyes.

"Ohhh, okay, he came to attack us," Lionel replied as he rubbed his eyes. "So then Princess Vespa actually stumbled into a trap set by Dark Helmet. Yeah, gonna hafta ask you to let her go. Cherry, I mean." 

"Am I the only one disturbed that Cherry used the term 'Wacko Jacko'?" Thor commented.

Jackson chuckled darkly before he grabbed Cherry by her throat and soon flung her back towards Lionel and Thor. "There ya go!" he then said. "The boss and I got what we wanted."

Cherry grunted from the fall as she looked up at the black and white-haired boy.

"Take them all aboard, and put the princess in my quarters." Dark Helmet demanded as he brought Vespa to Sandurz.

"Yes, sir." Sandurz replied as he took Vespa away, off-screen.

"Now she is mine," Dark Helmet smirked. "And you are coming along too for a private party."

"I... Don't think so," Cherry narrowed her eyes. "I could kick your butt here and now if I wanted to and make this story end quicker."

"But we won't, because the folks came for a story, and we intend to give 'em one," Lionel replied. "So... Forget it, Spacebar!" He chucked down a smoke grenade, and when the dust cleared, both Lionel and Cherry had vanished into the cave, along with the entrance.

Dark Helmet coughed a bit before glaring. "Ugh... We'll come back for those punks later!" he said while coughing. "We have the princess, let's move on from there!"

* * *

At the temple, Lone Starr and Barf came out and Yogurt's little friends began to chatter something.

"What are they sayin'?" Lone asked in confusion.

"They've taken the princess." Yogurt translated.

Lone Starr and Barf soon ran outside only to find that the Spaceball 1 took off towards space just as they got out the door.

"Spaceballs! Too late." Lone Starr complained.

"Don't worry, Boss. We'll get her back," Barf reassured before looking around. "Hey, where'd those kids go? I hope that ship didn't get 'em too."

"Well, your hopes are not unfounded!" Lionel declared as he and Cherry reappeared in the temple. "We did our best, but we were outmatched. Our best course of action was to retreat so we could regroup."

"You're okay!" Barf beamed as he picked Cherry and Lionel off of the ground and hugged them, swaying them a bit.

"Yeah! Yeah! We're okay! We're okay!" Cherry cried out. "Now put me down before I throw up! You better not lick us too, Fido!"

Barf then put them back down as Cherry suddenly looked dizzy before she fell in the middle of the ground with a low moan. "I'm just glad you guys are okay," he then said. "I know we have our differences, but I really like ya guys."

"Well, I appreciate that, Barfster," replied Lionel. "I think you're an interesting fellow yourself, even if my associate sees you as a nuisance."

"Why, thank you!" Barf smiled proudly of himself.

Cherry soon sat up, rubbing her head.

* * *

The tiny creatures soon filled up the Winnebego with gas so that they could get back on track and rescue Princess Vespa.

"Thanks for the gas, Yogurt." Lone Starr said to his new friend.

"You're welcome and here," Yogurt said as he tossed him a fortune cookie. "Just in case you get hungry."

"A fortune cookie?" Lone Starr asked as he caught it.

"Yes. Remember, open it before you eat it." Yogurt nodded.

"Thanks." Lone Starr smiled.

"More fortune cookies?" Cherry commented as she seemed to experience a little bit of déjà vu. "I thought we ordered Chinese last week."

"We did," Thor smiled. "They're good to have, plus you get a nice tip of advice after eating a sweet treat!"

"Well, we're on our way," said Lone as he put the cookie in his pocket. "Will we ever see you again?"

Yogurt shrugged. "Who knows?" he asked. "God willing we'll all meet again in _'Spaceballs II: The Search for More Money'_."

"Which has yet to be made!" Lionel stated.

"Goodbye, Lone Starr." said Yogurt.

"Goodbye, Yogurt." Starr replied, as they both shook hands. But when Lone pulled his hand back, he saw something in his hand.

"The ring of the Schwartz... No, I can't take this." he said.

"Take it! Take it!" Yogurt advised. "You might need it!"

Lone gave a smile. "Thanks. I'll never forget you. Wish me luck." he replied.

"Dink-dink!" said the Dinks, as Lone boarded the Eagle-5 with his compatriots, and set off into space once more.

"See ya, guys." Cherry said to the Dinks.

The Dinks replied to her as it was time to go.

* * *

**_Meanwhile, on the Spaceball 1, in Dark Helmet's private room..._ **

"So, Princess Vespa, at last, I have you in my clutches. To have my way with you. The way I want to," Dark Helmet grinned before he was shown to be playing with dolls and soon imitated the princess. "No. No, please, leave me alone," he then spoke in his dark voice whenever his helmet was down. "No, you are mine," he then made a nerdy voice when pretending to be Lone Starr. "Not so fast, Helmet. Lone Starr. Yes, it's me. I'm here to save my girlfriend. Hi, honey. Now you are going to die. Oh, oh, ohhhh," he then imitated Barf, Cherry, Lionel, and Thor next. "Hey, what did you do to our friend? The same thing I'm going to do to you, meddlers! Oh, ohhh. And you too," he then imitated Dot next. "Oh, ohh. Now, Princess Vespa, at last we are alone. No, no, I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. Leave me alone... Yet, I find you strangely attractive. Of course you do. Druish princesses are always attracted to money and power and I have both, and you know it. No, leave me alone. No, kiss me. No, yes, no, yes, yes, no, no, ah, oh, oh, oh, ah, ohh, oh, your helmet is so big."

A camera was soon shown and he seemed to be being filmed with the sounds of two malicious teenagers snickering at the scene.

"Lord Helmet!" Sandurz suddenly called as he slammed open the door.

"WHAT?!" Dark Helmet cried out as he grabbed the dolls out of Sandurz's sight.

"You're needed on the bridge, sir." Sandurz informed.

"Knick on my door! KNOCK NEXT TIME!"

"Yes, sir."

There was then a quick beat of silence.

"Did you see anything?" Dark Helmet asked.

"No, sir," Sandurz replied. "I didn't see you playing with your dolls again."

"Good!" Dark Helmet nodded.

* * *

**_ELSEWHERE, ON THE PLANET SPACEBALL..._ **

President Skroob was busy taking a whiz when he received a sudden call.

"President Skroob?" asked Commanderette.

The president quickly covered his groin with a shocked yell. "I told you never to call me on this wall! This is an unlisted wall!"

"Sorry, sir, but it's very urgent," replied Commanderette. "Princess Vespa has just been brought to your office, and Lord Helmet and Colonel Sandurz are awaiting you there."

"Alright, alright. Tell them I'll be right there!" said President Skroob.

"Yes, sir." Commanderette gave a salute.

President Skroob returned the gesture, until he realized he'd uncovered his groin, which he quickly put his hands back over. As Commanderette smirked and vanished, Skroob flushed the toilet and exited.

* * *

Later that night, Dark Helmet and Sandurz were talking with King Roland on the screen and Vespa was shown to be on a table behind them along with a doctor, Jackson, Vicky, and some friends of hers, as well as two others.

"Helmet, you fiend, what's going on?" King Roland demanded. "What are you doing to my daughter?"

"Permit me to introduce the brilliant, young plastic surgeon, Dr. Philip Schlotkins," Dark Helmet informed. "The greatest nose job man in the entire universe and Beverly Hills.

"Your Highness." Dr. Schlotkins nodded with a low and loyal bow.

"Nose job? I don't understand. She's already had a nose job," King Roland replied. "It was a Sweet 16 present."

"No, it's not what you think," Dark Helmet remarked. "It's much, much, worse. If you do not give me the combination to the air shield, Dr. Schlotkins will give your daughter back..." he then held up a picture of a bigger nose on the princess. "Her old nose!"

Jackson gave a whistle at that. "Quite a schnoz, huh?"

"Heh," Vicky smirked. "Makes my brother's mouth look like a tiny little yapper."

"You have a brother?" Jackson asked Vicky.

"It's a long story," Vicky narrowed her rose-colored eyes. "He's never gonna be a brother to anyone ever again." she then said with a very creepy and sadistic smirk and winked to her fellow evil babysitters, who winked back, who helped her form the organization known as B.R.A.T: Babysitters Raging Against Twerps.

"Nooooooooooooooooooo!" Princess Vespa cried out. "Where did you get that?!"

"All right, I'll tell. I'll tell!" King Roland exclaimed.

"No, daddy, no. You mustn't!" Vespa begged.

"You're right, my dear," the king replied. "I'll miss your new nose. But I will not tell them the combination no matter what!"

Dark Helmet shrugged. "Very well. Dr. Schlotkins, do your worst."

"My pleasure." replied the doctor.

The table turned horizontal, and Vespa passed out.

"No, wait, wait. I'll tell. I'll tell!" King Roland exclaimed.

Dark Helmet smirked. "I knew it would work." He and Sandurz got closer to the screen, the Col. ready to write it down. "All right, give it to me."

"The combination is... 1... 2... 3... 4... 5." said the king, as Sandurz wrote down each of the numbers.

"So the combination is one, two, three, four, five," Dark Helmet said as he raised his mask. "That's the stupidest combination I've ever heard in my life! That's the kinda thing an idiot would have on his luggage!"

Col. Sandurz nodded at the king. "Thank you, Your Highness." he said.

Jackson and Vicky rolled their eyes, along with the other evil babysitters. Sandurz soon took a remote out of his pocket, pointed it at the wall, and hit a button and a giant blue screen appeared with a bunch of warnings and threats like in a computer error message which would prompt a resetting.

* * *

"What'd you do?" Dark Helmet's voice asked.

"I turned off the wall." Sandurz's voice replied.

"No, you didn't. You turned off the whole story!"

"Well, I must have pressed the wrong button."

"Well, turn it back on. Put the story back on."

"Yes, sir. Yes, sir."

* * *

The screen of text soon came back on as Dark Helmet and Sandurz were standing in front as Dr. Schlotkins seemed to be making love to the young woman.

"We gotta get that thing fixed. We're back, and we have the combination," Dark Helmet said before calling to the doctor. "Schlotkins."

"What?" Dr. Schlotkins asked as the woman zipped back up her dress.

"We're done with you," Dark Helmet told him. "Go back to the golf course and work on your puts.

Dr. Schlotkins nodded at that. "Let's go Arnold. Come, Gretchen. Of course, you know, I'll still have to bill you for this." he then said to his associates before telling Dark Helmet the last part.

"And you guys... Do whatever teenage girls do..." Dark Helmet said to Vicky and the other teenage girls. "...What _do_ you do anyway?"

"Well, unlike most teenage girls, my friends and I here spend our babysitting time by torturing twerps," Vicky replied. "I guess we'll plan for any future gigs we might get."

"Atticus Fudo ruined your reputation though." Jackson reminded his girlfriend.

"DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME, JACKSON!" Vicky whined before she and the other girls soon left. "C'mon, Lauren, Alyssa, Mercy, Libra, Tiffany, and Brandy."

President Skroob entered the room. "Well, did it work? Where's the king?" he asked.

"It worked, sir. We have the combination!" replied Dark Helmet.

"Great! Now we can take every last breath fresh air from planet Druidia. What's the combination?" asked Skroob.

"One, two, three, four, five."

"One, two, three, four, five? That's amazing," replied the president. "I've got the same combination on my luggage! Prepare Spaceball 1 for immediate departure!"

Sandurz gave a salute. "Yes, sir!" And he and the others headed out the door.

"And change the combination on my luggage!" stated Skroob.

As Dark Helmet walked through the door, it closed on him. Jackson snickered at that.

"Aaaugh!" Dark Helmet cried out in misfortune.


	6. Chapter 6

The Eagle 5 soon made it to Planet Spaceball.

"There it is," Barf alerted the others. "Spaceball City straight ahead."

"Good. I'm takin' her in." Lone Starr nodded, getting ready to park down below.

"You shouldn't park there," Thor said. "That's a no-parking zone."

"Are you really gonna let morals get in the way of--" Lone Starr asked, turning his head to see Thor smirking. "Ohh..." he then said, seeing that was an idea and not a valuable lesson as he went to park the Winnebago down there.

"What the hell is that thing?" A slender door guard asked.

"It looks like a Winnebago with wings." The chubby door guard guessed.

"Jeez. Hey, you can't park here!" The slender door guard called out as they were about to land and park.

"Yeah, can't you guys read? No parking!" The chubby door guard added.

Barf opened the door and put up his middle finger, before making smooching noises at them.

"That son of a..." The slender guard growled, cocking his gun as he and his partner went to the door that Barf was sticking out of. "All right, hands up. You're under arrest for illegal parking."

"Yeah!" agreed his friend, as they walked inside.

The Winnebago jostled back and forth... And a few minutes later, both Lone and Barf came out in the guards' uniforms. Cherry used the uniform key to unlock the door, and the group went inside.

"Hmph... A little tacky, but I guess we could make 'em work." Thor shrugged as he checked out the uniforms.

"Are you sure you're not gay?" Cherry asked dryly.

Thor stuck his tongue out at her.

* * *

They soon walked down the hall of the prison dome as they kept an eye out for anything as they snuck along as Thor began to hum a song called "Minnie the Moocher" as they crept along. There was then a prison guard, walking down the hall towards them, so they stood against the wall before Barf's tail hit against Cherry's nose again before she sniffled and grabbed his tail firmly.

The prison guard looked back at them and noticed Barf's tail before shrugging and walked along. "Nah!"

Once the prison guard was gone, they went back down the hall again before Cherry let go of Barf's tail and suddenly sneezed.

"All right, I think I found out where Princess Vespa is." Thor said to the others as he saw a door that said: "ROYAL PRISONERS ONLY".

"Convenient, isn't it?" asked Lionel.

* * *

**_AND SO, AFTER CONVENIENTLY ZAPPING INTO THE ROYAL PRISONERS SECTION..._ **

"She's gotta be in one of these cells..." said Lone Starr.

"Yeah, but which one?" asked Lionel, as they searched each door; opening the eye slot on each one they looked through.

So far, they kept on coming up empty.

Just then, they heard something: "Nobody knows~..."

"It's coming from there." pointed Cherry.

"That can't be her." said Barf. as he and the others ventured towards the baritone singing.

"...The trouble I've seen~"

As Lone opened the eye slot, he found Vespa inside, with Dot sleeping nearby.

"Nobody knows but Jesus~" Vespa continued.

"WOW... That was v _ery_ unexpected." Lionel noted.

"Her voice is lower than your dad's." Thor said to Cherry.

"That should never be a sentence said about a woman." Cherry replied.

Cherry soon opened the door with the key she used to open the front door. Everyone soon came in and Cherry shut the door, though it shut on Barf's tail, making him wince and whimper.

Cherry glanced at him before she cupped her mouth. "I am SO sorry!" she then said.

"I bet you are!" Barf squeaked.

Cherry soon cracked the door open a bit and let Barf walk in more to get his tail out of pain.

"What do you what?" Vespa glared as she saw guards before Dot woke up.

"It's me." Lone Starr said, taking off his helmet.

"It's us." Thor added as he did the same.

"Lone Starr. How'd you find us?" Vespa asked.

"No time to talk," Lone Starr replied. "C'mon."

"We gotta move." Barf added.

"Cherry, how'd you do it?" Dot asked.

"Never mind that, let's get you out of here while we still have time," Cherry said urgently. "This is usually the part of the movie/story where the bad guys realize we're here and trying to break you out and try to stop us and it looks like they got us before we find a clever way out."

Soon, the group was off and running down the hall, until they ran into more trouble. "Freeze!"

The two guards from earlier were standing in the hall with their guns, but in their underwear too.

"Those are the guys that stole our uniforms." said Beanpole.

"And beat the shit out of us, too!" agreed Colossus.

Starr cocked his gun and shot it at the door guards, who ran off, but then, lasers shot from another hall. "Uh-oh, we got company." said Lone, as he knelt down and crawled to the opposite wall. 

While Lionel conjured a shield, the others followed behind as the troopers kept firing.

"Dammit. That's our only way out!" Barf exclaimed.

"We're trapped!" Vespa cried.

"Oh, I hate these movies." Dot grumbled.

Lone and Barf kept firing, though the mawg eventually threw down his gun. "I'm outta ammo!" he exclaimed.

"Get back. I'll hold 'em off!" Starr declared as he continued firing at the troopers.

"I got an idea." Barf declared before he walked over to a quad-pipe loop. 

Starr ceased firing and looked up.

"Yikes," Cherry said in a snarky tone that could rival David Spade. "What are you doing?"

Barf soon started to pull out the pipes.

"What's he doing?" Dot wondered.

Thor watched in intrigue as Barf pulled out half of the pipes and he took it to the hallway where the firing was coming from and faced the opening to the troopers. The Troopers soon fired at Barf and the shot went into the pipes and shot out the other side and the shots soon hit the Troopers and this made them fall down on the floor.

"...I apologize again." Cherry sweat-dropped.

Barf soon mussed up her hair and she groaned and squirmed to get him off of her. "Don't judge me! Don't be the judge of me! Bad girl! Bad girl!" he then told her.

"Knock it off!" Cherry complained.

"Good work." Lone Starr smiled at his friend.

They soon heard more laser blasts coming from another hall.

"Oh, no, it's those ping-pongs!" Thor cried out. "Run for it!"

"Let's go!" Lionel added.

They soon ran down the hallway as the door began to close.

"It's closing!" Vespa panicked.

"Go for the door." Lone Starr told them.

The group soon jumped through the door just before it closed.

* * *

"Don't move, or you're dead! Stand up!" The trooper ordered. "Captain, we've got them!"

The captain walked in behind them. "Spectacular stunt, my friends, but all for naught," he chuckled. "Turn around, please."

And so, the group did... Or so it would seem!

"What a pity. What a pity," The captain replied. "So, Princess, you thought you could outwit the imperious forces of--" But as he got a better look, his mouth dropped open. 

One of the stunt doubles was a man with a cigar.

"You idiots!" The captain shouted. "These are not them. You've captured their stunt doubles! Search the area. Find them! Find them!"

* * *

Back at the prison dome, the group came out. The real group that is. Lone Starr was firing at the Troopers that followed them out the door. A laser blast hit the lock on a door of the Eagle 5. Barf ran over to that door and tried to open it.

"Open the door!" Vespa told him.

"I can't. It's fused." Barf told her.

"Well, what about this one?" Vespa asked, pointing to another door.

Barf tried to open it, but frowned. "It's locked."

"And don't tell me, the keys are inside?" Cherry asked.

"Uh-huh!" Barf nodded.

Cherry face-palmed in response.

"Oh, great!" Vespa added.

"Duck!" Lone Starr told them as they soon leaned up against the Eagle 5 and ran back towards the door that was fused and gave the gun to the princess. "Here, you hold 'em off. I'll get the door."

"I ain't shootin' this thing!" Vespa complained. "I hate guns."

A Trooper then fired at Vespa's hair and hit it which worried Dot.

"My hair. He shot my hair. Son of a bitch!" Vespa complained as she walked towards the Troopers and started to hit every one of them with her gun as she was beyond angry.

"What... The... (Fluttershy yay!)uck?" Cherry asked with wide eyes and an icon of the yellow pegasus mare with pink mane popped up over her mouth briefly before vanishing again.

"I dunno, bro." Lionel shrugged.

"How was that?" asked Vespa, blowing off the barrel.

"Not bad." said Lone.

"Not bad for a girl." commented Barf.

"Hey, that was pretty good for Rambo." said Dot.

"Let's blow this joint." Vespa declared.

"You read my mind!" Thor replied as they took off.

* * *

One on the Spaceball 1, there were footsteps heard which came from President Skroob.

President Skroob. Salute. Hail Skroob." The people on the ship greeted him as he traveled down the very, very, very long hallway.

"The ship is too big!" Skroob complained. "If I walk, the story would be over."

"Sir?" Sandurz called.

"Yes, uh..." Skroob said before looking at Dark Helmet who wore his mask down. "Never have that damn thing down in front of me. How do I know you're not making faces at me under there?" he then complained before the mask came up to show Dark Helmet sticking his tongue out at Skroob.

"President Skroob," Jackson called as he came over with a salute before showing him something. "I give you Planet Drudia."

"Ah, Planet Druidia and 10,000 years of fresh air." Skroob beamed.

"The way he runs things, it'll last a hundred." Dark Helmet muttered to Jackson and Sandurz.

"What?" Skroob asked as Dark Helmet shrugged innocently.

"We're beginning metamorphosis, sir." Sandurz reported.

"Good. Get on with it." Skroob then nodded.

"Ready, Mr. de Vil?" Dark Helmet asked his intern.

"This is gonna be good." Jackson smirked fiendishly.

* * *

**_BACK ON EAGLE-5..._ **

"Look. It's Spaceball-1!" exclaimed Lone Starr. "They've reached the air shield!"

"And it's opening!" said Dot.

"How they gonna get the air out?" asked Barf. "I don't see any hoses or anything!"

Suddenly, Spaceball-1 began to change shape.

"What's happening? The ship...it's changing!" gasped Vespa.

Arms began to grow out of the sides, and the rockets turned into feet.

"Oh, my gosh..." exclaimed Barf. "It's not just a spaceship. It's a transformer!"

"Truly, there was more to Spaceball-1 than meets the eye." Thor commented.

"Oh, Takara and Hasbro are SO gonna sue these guys!" Lionel added.

"Déjà vu." Cherry said.

"Gesundheit!" Barf replied.

"No, Barf, Cherry means--" Thor was about to explain.

The front of the Spaceball 1 ship started to turn over.

"It's changing into..." Dot began.

"A gigantic..." Barf added.

The front turned over to reveal a head similar to the Statue of Liberty's head and the rest of the ship soon wore a maid's uniform with a giant vacuum cleaner.

"Maid." Vespa then finished.

"With a vacuum cleaner." Lone Starr added.

"So that's how they're gonna get the air out." Barf remarked.

"It's an Iron Maiden!" Thor cried out. "We gotta stop 'em!"

"We gotta blow up the Death Star!" Cherry added.

"What are you yammering about?" asked Lionel. "That's a completely different story altogether!"

"I'm trying to fit in with the storyline!" Cherry defended.

"How would that even work?!" Lionel asked. "There _is_ no Death Star here, just a giant friggin' robot!"

"What th' heck's a Death Star?" asked Lone Starr.

"Not important!" Lionel replied. "Just... Just stay related to the actual story, alright?"

Cherry's head hit the glass window.

* * *

**_Meanwhile..._ **

"Metamorphoses is completed, sir. Spaceball 1 has now become--" Sandurz began before there was some sort of dramatic fanfare heard before he finished his sentence. "Mega Maid."

"Good." Dark Helmet nodded as he removed his mask.

"Remarkable." Skroob added.

"Now, commence Operation: Vacu-suck." Dark Helmet then demanded.

Jackson soon pushed a button to turn the vacuum on and it started to fill up like a regular vacuum, only not collecting dust and other junk on a floor, but oxygen.

* * *

On Vespa's home planet, the vacuum sucked up snow off of a mountain and even the trees out of a forest.

"Suck. Suck. Suck." The villains chanted together.

King Roland was looking at a picture of Vespa and began to have trouble breathing. "Goodbye, little Vespa. My little baby, Vespa." he then said before suddenly fainting.

* * *

**_Back with our heroes..._ **

"That airbag is almost full, we gotta stop it!" Thor said to the others.

"We've gotta act fast," Lionel declared. "Step 1: we reverse the vacuum and blow the air back on the planet; Step 2: we destroy that thing!"

"But isn't that dangerous?" asked Vespa.

"Extremely, plus, I don't know how the hell we're gonna do it." added Starr.

"What about that ring Yogurt gave you?" asked Thor.

"Oh, yeah..." Lone realized as he pulled the Schwartz ring out of his pocket. "But..."

"C'mon, Boss, give it a shot." suggested Barf.

"Okay. Here goes nothing." said Lone, pointing the ring at the vacuum.

* * *

**_ABOARD THE MEGA-MAID..._ **

The switch on the vacuum started to glow and moved towards the reverse part of the vacuum.

"Look at that! Wow!" Vespa exclaimed.

"It... It's working!" Barf cheered.

"C'mon, Schwartz!" exclaimed the group, chanting. "C'mon, Schwartz! C'mon, Schwartz! C'mon, Schwartz!"

"This reminds me of something..." Cherry said before shrugging. "Eh, I'll explain later. C'mon, Schwartz!"

The switch suddenly flipped over to the reverse part. The vacuum then started blowing air back on the planet.

"Helmet, what's going on?" Skroob demanded.

Dark Helmet pulled his mask down before facing his two associates. "Sandurz, de Vil, what's going on?" he then demanded.

"It's Mega Maid," Sandurz replied. "She's gone from suck to blow."

"Much like a modern _Family Guy_ episode." Jackson added.

"What?!" Skroob cried out. "They're getting all their air back! Do something!" he then told Dark Helmet.

"Do something." Dark Helmet then told Sandurz and Jackson.

"Do something." Sandurz said with a microphone.

"It might be too late." Vicky remarked.

The snow was dumped back on the mountain, and the trees were planted back in the same spots.

And in King Roland's bedroom, air began to flow back inside, letting him breathe. "I'm breathing..." he exclaimed, bewildered. "Air! Air!"

* * *

Back in space, the EAGLE-5 flew into Mega Maid's ear canal.

"Dim the lights." said Lone.

"Dimming the lights."

Barf hit a switch, and the lights went out.

"Go to infra-red."

"Going to infra-red."

"Pray to God."

"Praying to God!"

The infra-red light comes on, and the television monitor showed a layout of the ear canal, and how the EAGLE 5 was maneuvering through it. L.S. turned on the scanning switch.

"Careful. Careful." Dot cautioned.

"What are you doin'?" Barf asked his boss.

"Scanning. There's gotta be a self-destruct mechanism somewhere in the central brain area." Lone Starr replied.

The scanner soon looked around the ship.

"Is that it?" Cherry asked.

"I think you found it, kid." Lone Starr nodded.

"Where?" Vespa asked.

"Watch," Lone Starr replied before he hit a switch which made the television monitor show a flashing red button. "Bingo. There it is. It's right below us. Put her in hover, Barf."

"Putting her hover." Barf nodded.

"I'm goin' down there." Lone Starr said, walking towards the door.

"He's goin' down there," Barf told the others before looking scared. "I wouldn't."

"I probably wouldn't either." Thor agreed.

"Ooh... Are you a scaredy mat now?" Cherry teased Barf. "Half man? Half cat?"

"Cherry, cut it out!" Thor scolded.

"You got a lotta nerve, kid!" Barf growled. "Nobody, but NOBODY, calls me part cat and gets away with it!"

Cherry stuck her tongue out.

"Don't make me turn you into a cat!" Thor told Cherry.

"Oh, like you would ever do that." Cherry rolled her eyes.

POOF!

Cherry blinked as she was now a cat as Barf growled. "Uh-oh... AAAAUGH!" she then yelped as he began to chase her around.

Lone Starr soon began to walk down the ladder, glancing at what happened before he rolled his eyes and shook his head and began to walk into and close the emergency door, trying to be as quiet and stealthy as possible.

Lionel tsk-tsk-tsked. "Figures, you'd be stupid enough to shoot off your mouth and get yourself in trouble. You'll be turned back when you DESERVE it."

"Make him staaawp!" Cherry cried out as Barf kept chasing her.

"Mm-mm..." Thor shook his head and crossed his arms with a childish pout on his face.

Cherry soon stopped at the door and tried to fumble to open it with her paws.

"If we do, what's stopping you from going back to acting like a jerk to him?" asked Lionel.

"Pleeease!" Cherry begged.

Thor just glanced over.

"Okay, Vomit--" Cherry began.

"BARF! Barf! My name is Barf!" Barf told her. "You know... Like 'bark' and 'arf'?" he then suggested.

"Gyeah..." Cherry grimaced. "Look, I'm sorry I made fun of you."

"Well, why you have to come down on me?" asked Barf. "If I did anything to you, I never _meant_ to, whereas you clearly meant to make fun of me!"

"Aaaugh!" Cherry cried out.

Lionel and Thor soon went after Lone Starr to wait until Cherry would learn her lesson.


	7. Chapter 7

A guard was shown to be standing next to the door to the self destruct room. Lone Starr soon snuck up on him and tried to knock him out with a move from _Star Trek_.

"What the hell are you doin'?" The guard asked him.

"The Vulcan Neck Pinch." Lone Starr clarified.

"No, no, stupid, you've got it much too high," The guard rolled his eyes. "It's down here where the shoulder meets the neck."

"Like this?" Lone Starr asked as he changed his position.

"Yeah." The guard nodded before he fell down unconscious.

"Thanks." Lone Starr said.

"I wish I could do that." Thor pouted.

"What're you guys doing here?" Lone Starr asked them.

"We thought you could use some help while our friends are busy." Thor smiled innocently.

"Yeah, we're gonna let them work out their issues," Lionel replied. "Meanwhile, we're gonna get to the big stuff." He took the key card from the guard's belt, then used it on the panel to open the door. 

The panel opened up, showing an outline of a hand.

 ** _"Handprint identification, please... Handprint identification, please..."_ **The panel droned.

Thor took the glove off the guard's hand and put it in the outline. The voice stopped as the panel scanned the hand. A door opened next to the panel.

"Thanks again!" Thor exclaimed, knocking on the Guard's helmet. "After you!"

"Grazie!" Lionel replied as he waved to Thor on the way inside after Lone Starr went in.

As the group walked in, they noticed green bars guarding the self-destruct button.

"Is that you, Mila?" mumbled the guard in the room.

Quickly, Lone Starr pointed the Schwartz ring at a can of Spaceballs Shaving Cream. It started flying towards him.

The self-destruct guard turned around to Lone, who caught the can. "Who are you? What are you doing with that?" he asked.

" _This_!" Lone declared before he sprayed the shaving cream in the guard's eyes. 

The guard screamed and opened his mouth, allowing Starr to spray it down his mouth, making him pass out.

"...That was gruesome... But funny!" Thor commented.

"Yeah, a lot of Mel Brooks movies do that." Lionel remarked.

"Sweet dreams." Lone Starr smirked at the guard before he took the card off of the self-destruct guard's belt and inserted into a panel and moved the switch to pull up the green bars before he came to the button.

The button read: "DO NOT PUSH UNLESS YOU REALLY, _REALLY_ , MEAN IT".

Thor reached out to push the button with a silly look on his face.

"Not so fast, Lone Starr and friends." Dark Helmet glared as he arrived right behind them.

"Helmet. So, at last, we meet for the first time for the last time," Lone Starr glared before he thought about what he said and nodded. "Yeah."

"Before you die, there is something you should know about us, Lone Starr." Dark Helmet retorted.

"What?" Lone Starr asked.

"Are you his father?" Thor gasped.

"Actually, I am his father's brother's nephew's cousin's former roommate." Dark Helmet explained.

"What's that make us?" Lone Starr then asked.

"Absolutely nothing!" Dark Helmet laughed. "Which is what you are about to become. Prepare to die."

The two soon began to get ready to fight with their Schwartz rings as opposed to lightsabers from Star Wars. Thor was seen shaking and moving his fists around from the intense battle between the power of the Schwartz.

"You have the ring, and I see your Schwartz is as big as mine," said Dark Helmet as they both looked at their beams. "Now let's see how well you handle it!"

Lionel chuckled at that. Dark Helmet walked over to Starr and started fighting with him, as they swiped at each other with their beams. D.H. pulled back a little too far and knocked off the sound manager from the stage crew, who screamed and fell off a ledge.

"Um... He did it." said Dark Helmet.

"What?" asked Lone, before swiping at Helmet, who blocked it, and the fight continued. 

They swiped at each other until their beams became twisted.

"Shit! I hate it when I get my Schwartz twisted!" Dark Helmet groaned. "Okay, maybe if I put my leg up on yours we can split apart..."

Lionel and Thor both watched as the two combatants got themselves untangled. Thor offered some soda to Lionel as he drank from his own can. Dark Helmet soon looked up and recreated his beam as he pointed it at Lone Starr. Lone soon did the same and pointed his at Dark Helmet. They moved in closer as their beams touched ends and Thor and Lionel began to bite their nails as the two men tried to cause each other to lose their beam, though Dark Helmet lost his beam. Lone then swiped at Dark Helmet's namesake, but it didn't leave a mark and he kept on trying, but nothing worked. Dark Helmet lowered his mask and laughed before Lone then punched his face and a beam was recreated as the two went back and forth while all Lionel and Thor could do was watch.

"So, Lone Starr, Yogurt has taught you well," Dark Helmet remarked as he ran from a locker. "If there is one thing I despise, it is a fair fight, but if I must then I must. May the best man win. Put 'er there." he then said, holding out his hand.

"Don't do it!" Thor cried out.

As Lone went to shake his hand, Dark Helmet yoinked the ring from his opponent's hand. "The ring! I can't believe you fell for the oldest trick in the book! What a goof. What's with you man? Come on!" he teased. "You know what? No, here let me give it back to you." he held out the ring.

As Lone got up to get it back, the evil villain threw it into a grate. Lone tried to catch it, but he failed.

"Oh, look. You fell for that, too. I can't believe it, man!" chortled Dark Helmet.

Starr got up and ran to a corner.

"So, Lone Starr, now you see that evil will always triumph because good is dumb!" Dark Helmet laughed, as he began firing green beams at Lone, who dodged each of them. "Very impressive, Lone Starr. Too bad this isn't the Wide World of Sports."

Just then, Lone heard an ethereal voice. **_'Use the Schwartz, Lone Starr... Use the Schwartz...'_**

"I can't. I lost the ring." said Lone.

 ** _'Forget the ring. The ring is bupkis,'_ **replied Yogurt. **_'I found it in a Cracker Jack box. The Schwartz is in you, Lone Starr. It's in you.'_**

Lone Starr got to his feet. "All right. I'll try."

"Say goodbye to your two best friends, and I don't mean your pals in the Winnebago." Dark Helmet sneered as Lone Starr pointed his fist at a mirror on a shelf.

It started moving towards him, as D.H. fired another green beam at his groin. Luckily, L.S. caught the mirror, and covered his groin, making the beam bounce off the mirror and hit Dark Helmet in the groin, making him fall back on the self-destruct button, activating it.

"COWABUNGA!" Lionel exclaimed.

 ** _'Thank you for pressing the self-destruct button,'_** blared the system. **_'This ship will self-destruct in three minutes.'_**

Lone Starr, Thor, and Lionel soon ran out of the room as the alarm started going off with red lights flashing.

* * *

"What's going on?" Skroob demanded. "Where the hell are we, Paris?!"

 ** _'Thank you for pressing the self-destruct button,'_** The system continued. **'This ship will self-destruct in exactly two minutes and 45 seconds.'**

"You've got to stop it!" Skroob panicked. "Is there any way to stop it?"

"It's irreversible." Jackson said.

"Like my raincoat." Skroob remarked.

"Attention. This is Colonel Sandurz in forward command," Sandurz said through a microphone. "Abandon ship. Abandon ship."

Everyone on the ship, including cameoing adventure villains such as The Joker, Harley Quinn, Cruella de Vil, Jafar, Captain Hook, Ursula, Dr. Robotnik, Neo Cortex, The Grand Duke of Owls, and Maleficent started to panic and run around like crazy.

"All personnel, proceed to escape pods. Close down the circus. Evacuate the zoo. Self-destruct mechanism has been activated. Abandon ship." Sandurz continued.

"Sandurz, Sandurz, you've got to help me. I don't know what to do," Skroob begged. "I can't make decisions. I'm the president."

 ** _'This is your two-minute warning,'_ **The system continued. **_'This ship will self-destruct in exactly two minutes.'_**

"Launch all escape pods as soon as they are filled." Sandurz then reported as Jackson brought Vicky to one.

* * *

_**Meanwhile...** _

"What's happening?" Vespa cried out. "Where are they? Where are they?!"

"Here," Lone Starr said as he came inside with Lionel and Thor as Cherry was still a cat, though dangled in the air by her tail after Barf caught her. "We've got a minute and 40 before the end of the world. Hang on."

"Hanging on!" Cherry replied.

"Hanging on!" Lionel added.

"...Are we there yet?" Thor then asked.

Two troopers came out of the emergency door with guns, then got under the EAGLE-5 and started firing at the floor.

"Full throttle." said Lone.

"Full throttle." Barf declared, pulling on the throttle as he dropped Cherry.

"Go to hyperjets!" Lionel added, taking the cat up.

"Going to hyperjets!" Thor declared as he pulled the hyper-lever.

And like that, the EAGLE-5 took off, blowing the group back from the force of the blastoff.

* * *

Meanwhile, back on Mega-Maid, Sandurz climbed the ladder and looked in the first escape pod. He moved on to the next one, followed by Skroob.

"Hey, get outta there. Where do you think you're going?" asked the president.

"Pizza to go," laughed the pizza guy.

"Hey, make room!" Jackson shouted as he and Vicky climbed into the pod with him and closed the door, causing the pod to blast off.

Dark Helmet climbed up a ladder to his pod, where a bearded woman was getting into it. "Hey, hey, that's my escape pod. Who are you?"

"I'm the bearded lady," The woman replied. "What are you, one of the freaks?" She kneed him in the groin before she laughed and got into her pod, which took off.

"No!" cried Dark Helmet. "Come back, you fat bearded bitch!"

"One pod left, and three of us, and I'm the president," Skroob said to Sandurz and Dark Helmet. "Well, boys, it's a very lovely ship. I think you should go down with it. Goodbye." he then went into the escape pod, though there was a bear inside, so he sat on the bear and used the arms to buckle like using a seatbelt before he noticed that there was a bear, so he screamed and got chased out of the pod.

"So long, we outta here! You just got PUNK'D!" A one-antlered deer laughed in an obnoxious voice as he got away with the bear and they waved as they went out the escape pod and made it off of the ship.

 ** _'This ship will self destruct in 20 seconds,'_** The ship's voice soon said. 'This is your last chance to push the cancellation button.'

"Cancellation button?!" Skroob's eyes widened. "Hurry."

The three men all then slid down a ladder and ran to the center of the ship.

"Where is it?" Dark Helmet panicked. "Where is it?!"

"It's gotta be here!" Sandurz said before he soon opened a panel to find the button, though it had an "OUT OF ORDER" sign, much to their misfortune. "Out of order?"

"Fuck!" Dark Helmet groaned. "Even in the future, nothing works."

 ** _'This ship will self-destruct in exactly 10 seconds.'_ **The ship's voice soon said.

The three men soon scrunched up together as they were doomed.

 ** _'Counting down,'_ **The ship's voice counted down. **_'Ten, nine, eight, six--"_**

"Six?" Skroob asked while Dark Helmet and Sandurz looked just as confused. "What happened to seven?

 ** _'Just kidding.'_** The ship's voice then said which made them panic again.

* * *

**_Meanwhile..._ **

"We gotta be almost out of here now!" Cherry cried out.

"Then we better put the pedal to the metal!" Lionel exclaimed.

"There's the other end!" Vespa pointed to the exit of the ear canal. "Faster!"

* * *

 ** _"Seven, six, five,"_** The ship continued. **_"Four, three, two, one. Have a nice day."_**

"Thank you." said the three villains.

* * *

Out in space, Eagle-5 shot out of the ear canal, just as Mega-Maid was blown to bits in a tremendous explosion.

"And I re-state... CO-WA-BUNGA!" Lionel exclaimed, as he gracefully tossed Cherry lightly a few times.

"We did it!" Vespa proclaimed.

Barf seemed to be knocked out.

"What...?" Cherry softly asked as she noticed him.

"No..." Thor frowned. "At what cost though? At what COST?!" he then cried dramatically.

"Hey, Barf... You okay...?" Cherry asked softly as she tried to wake up the mawg. "W-We won... You can be happy now... Wag your tail... Dance on your hind legs... Do whatever dogs do when they're happy."

Barf didn't seem to budge which made everyone begin to look sad.

"No..." Cherry said in a broken voice as tears filled her eyes. "Oh, man! Barf, I'm so sorry! I should've been nicer to you! You were just trying to be my friend, but I kept pushing you away!" she then cried. "Barf, I'm really sorry... You're a good boy... You're a really good boy... Please... Don't die. Just don't die... I'm sorry for how I acted, and--"

"Gotcha!" Barf smirked as he sat up with a laugh. "Ooh, you should've seen your face. 'Oh, Barf, please don't die'!" he then imitated her with a laugh as she looked wide-eyed and jaw-dropped.

"That wasn't funny, you...! You!" Cherry snapped, flailing her paws in the air as Thor snickered a bit.

Thor then used his magic to change Cherry back to normal before he shared a fist-bump with Barf.

"Oh, so it was funny whenever you made fun of Barf and treated him like garbage?" Lionel asked.

"I'm sorry, okay?" Cherry sighed. "I'm not much of a dog person."

"Guess that explains your catty behavior." Barf smirked.

"...I'm really sorry, alright?" Cherry said to him. "I terribly misjudged you."

"Well, I guess you're okay," Barf replied. "Even if you ARE kind of a jerk."

"At least you learned something from this." Lionel sighed.

"Just don't turn me into a cat again." Cherry complained to Thor.

"Don't make me have to," Thor replied firmly as she crossed his arms. "I'm not one to get angry easily, but I do have my buttons I don't like being pushed. Whether it's my little sister getting hurt, someone's being a jerk for no reason, or if someone's trying to assault my favorite uncle."

"You scare me when you're dark and serious like this." Cherry commented.

"I hope I do!" Thor smirked before looking over. "Ooh, the news is on, guys."

The others huddled around to check out the news.

 ** _"So I guess you might call that a case of man bites druid,"_ **A newsman laughed as he was shown on the TV. **_"On a sadder note, Pizza the Hut (famed half-man, half-pizza) was found dead earlier today in the back seat of his stretched limo. Evidently, the notorious gangster became locked in his car and ate himself to death. Coming up, Pongo's review of Rocky 5000. Pongo?"_**

"Well, I reckon everything worked out for the best!" Lionel laughed.

"Did you hear that? Pizza kicked the bucket!" Barf cheered. "Now we don't have to pay him the million. We can keep it for ourselves!"

"Yeah, everything's coming up Lone Starr!" Thor declared.

"Well, way to go, guys!" Cherry cheered for them.

The Eagle 5 soon flew in and circled around the palace, then landed on the ground.

* * *

In the throne room, the doors were opened to let in Vespa, Lone Starr, Barf, Dot, Cherry, Lionel, and Thor.

"Daddy!" Vespa beamed as she ran to King Roland. "Oh, Daddy."

"Vespa, my darling," King Roland cooed as he hugged his daughter happily. "I thought I'd never see you again. Oh, my sweet little daughter. I'm so happy that home and safe. And little Vespa, here's someone else who's happy to see you." he then showed the arranged groom was asleep in a chair before waking up.

"Oh, hello," Prince Valium smiled as he woke up with a yawn. "Where've you been?"

"Don't make me stay here." Cherry begged Lionel and Thor. "I promise I'll be nicer to Barf."

"Aw, okay," Lionel replied. "I reckon you've learned your lesson."

Soon after, the Eagle-5 took off into space, and headed for a space diner.


	8. Chapter 8

A waitress was talking to the cashier before she was given something "Thanks, hon," she said to the cashier before Cherry followed the guys over at the bar and were given some water. "Hi, big stuff. Hi, dream. Hi--" she then faced Cherry, Lionel, and Thor.

The three smiled innocently and seemed to look creepy to her for whatever reason.

"Eh... What'll you have?" The waitress then asked.

"We've just got a few minutes while were gasin' up," Lone replied. "What's ready?"

"I can give the Space Soup or the Space Special." The waitress suggested.

"Um... I'll have the soup." Lone decided.

"Okay." The waitress nodded as she wrote the order.

"I'll have the cleavage, er, the special." Barf then decided.

"Soup for me." Cherry decided.

"Specials are special, make it two." Thor smiled.

"Uh, you got burgers?" Lionel asked.

"Okay, I have two specials, one burger, and two soup." said the waitress, as she came up behind them to a table. 

Barf's tail was wagging and was going up the waitress's miniskirt.

"You ready to order?" The waitress asked another customer.

"Hi, yes," replied the customer. "We'll both have the luna fish."

"Okay, anything to drink?" The waitress asked before turning around. "Hey, hey, watch you're stickin' that thing!"

Barf turned to see his tail. "Huh? Oh, look, it's got a mind of it's own, sweetheart. I can't do a thing with it!" he chuckled.

As the waitress walked off to another table, Barf let out a howl, but Lone just hit him.

"What?" asked Barf.

"Keep that tail in check." Cherry told Barf.

"Can't help it," Barf replied. "That's the price of bein' half-dog."

"Just don't tell me about your Family Tree." Cherry grinned nervously.

"Some people are sitting at the other end of the bar. One of them is telling a story," One man said to another at the bar, trying to tell a joke. "We were lost. None of us knew where we were. And then Harry began feelin' around on all the trees. And then he says, 'I got it': we on Pluto. And we said, 'Harry how can you tell?' He said, 'From the bark, you dummies!" he then said with a laugh. "From the bark."

The other man soon started to act like he was choking on his food before grabbing his stomach as he seemed to have indigestion.

"Is he all right?" A woman at the bar asked.

"Yeah, this guy digs me." The first man reassured.

The second guy soon spit out some of his food and was laid down on the bar as the group soon noticed what was going on.

"Bring some water!" The woman panicked.

"Water my ass!" The first man cried out. "Bring this guy some Pepto Bismal!"

"Man, must've been some bad luna fish." Cherry commented.

"Waitress! Waitress, what did he order?" asked Barf.

"Oh, he had the special." The waitress replied.

Barf went pale. "The spec--... That's what _I_ ordered!"

"I think I'm gonna have a burger instead." Thor sweat-dropped.

"Yeah! And change my order to soup!" Barf added.

"Good move." Lone told them as the waitress changed their orders.

Everyone else at the diner looked down at the man as he twitched a bit as something began to pulsate out of his chest. Eventually, a tiny alien came out, looking menacing.

"Oh, no! Not again!" The man groaned before passing out and a spotlight shot down at the alien.

The alien looked around before it soon put on a tiny hat and had a cane and began to dance. "Hello, my baby. Hello, my honey. Hello, my ragtime gal. Sonny my pitched my wild. Baby, my heart's on fire~," it then started to sing like from a classic Looney Tunes short as the group stared at it as it went down the table. "If you refuse me, honey, you lose me, then, you'll be left alone, Oh, baby, telephone and tell I'm your own~"

One man eyed the alien and seemed to smirk as dollar signs floated around him as he rubbed his hands greedily.

Lionel blinked. "Wow, that was nuts." He and the others stood up.

"Check, please!" Lone Starr stated.

"Back to Druidia!" Thor exclaimed.

* * *

**_Back on the aforementioned planet at the wedding chapel..._ **

Once everything on Planet Druidia had toned down from the Spaceballs incident, it was time to redo the wedding. The sound now read: "The Royal Wedding of Princess Vespa and Prince Valium. Take Two". Dot was behind Vespa as the usher walked in.

"Five minutes to magic time." The usher informed.

"Are you all right, my dear?" King Roland asked in concern. "You look a little flighty."

"Don't worry about me, Father," Vespa said wearily. "I'm completely over him. He didn't even stay for the wedding. Just grabbed his million spacebucks and ran."

"He didn't take the million."

"He didn't?"

"No," King Roland explained. "He just took those friends of his with the 248 spacebucks for lunch, gas, and tolls."

* * *

"I still can't believe you turned down the money," said Barf. "At least we could've stayed for the wedding feast. I'm starvin'! Have you got anything to eat?"

"Nah," Lone Starr replied. "Oh, wait. Yogurt gave me that fortune cookie!" He took the cookie out of his pocket. "Here, chow down." He gave it to Barf.

"Wow, thanks," replied Barf. "I'll split it with ya."

"No." Lone said.

"I could just make something." Lionel stated.

"Ooh! Please!" Barf beamed. "Especially something that makes its own gravy!"

Cherry looked queasy at that suggestion, but didn't say anything. A stream of gold glitter soon came out of the cookie and flew over the doorway.

"What the?!" Cherry gulped.

The stream stopped at the doorway and turned into the image of an old face.

"Yogurt." The group gasped.

 ** _"Hello, kids. Well, you opened your fortune cookie, so here's your fortune,"_** Yogurt greeted. **_"Lone Starr, you know that medallion that you wear around your neck, but you don't know what it means?"_**

Lone then took the medallion out of his shirt.

 ** _"Well, here's what it means: it's a royal birth certificate,"_** Yogurt then explained to the young man. **_"Yes. Your father was a king. Your mother was a queen. Which makes you a certified prince."_**

"Hey, I'm a prince," Lone reacted with surprise. "I'm a prince. Which means--"

"He's a prince!" Cherry and Thor gasped together.

 ** _"Which means, if you hurry, there could be a princess in your future,"_** Yogurt told Lone Starr. **_"Now, if you want to get back there before she marries Sleeping Beauty, there's and a special can of fuel in your glove compartment. Good luck, kids."_**

"That was... Mondo wild." Lionel replied as Thor opened the glove compartment; inside was a fuel canister labeled "Liquid Schwartz".

"I think this could just as well be," Thor said as he showed the canister. "I wonder if it was anyone you knew?"

"I doubt it, Smart Guy." Lionel smirked.

"Wow, Liquid Schwartz!" Barf smiled.

"Quick, pour it in the emergency tank." Lone told Thor.

"Okay!" Thor smiled as he opened the emergency tank lid that was in the floor and soon poured the liquid into the tank before it glowed yellow.

"Look at that." Cherry remarked.

"Done!" Thor beamed before closing the lid.

"Hang on, guys, we're gonna make space-tracks." Lone said before he suddenly swerved which sent some of them flying to one side.

Suddenly, the others squashed and slammed against Cherry at the window.

"Can't... Feel... Pancreas..." Cherry muffled in agony.

"That's... Temporary...!" Lone Starr grunted.

* * *

**_MEANWHILE, BACK ON DRUIDIA..._ **

"Dearly beloved," said the minister. "We are gathered here... Again... To join..."

"Why didn't you tell he didn't take the money?" Vespa asked her father.

"I didn't think it was important." whispered the king.

"May I continue, please?" asked the minister, annoyed at being interrupted."...To join Princess Vespa and Princess Valium. I'm sorry, it's the hair. Prince Valium in the bonds of holy matrimony."

"I see it all now," said the princess to her father. "He left so I'd hate him. He was sacrificing himself so I wouldn't give up the throne! Don't you see he loves me?"

"Excuse me," asked the minister. "I'm trying to conduct a wedding here, which has nothing to do with love. Knock it off, okay, Your Highness?"

I'm sorry." Vespa replied.

"I'm sorry." King Roland added.

"I'm sorry, too." Prince Valium piped up sleepily.

"Don't be sorry, be quiet." The minister told them sternly.

"I'm sorry." The three apologized together with a nod.

"...To join Princess Vespa and Prince Valium in the bonds of holy--" The minister then started.

The Eagle 5 soon flew over as the audience looked surprised.

"...Moly matrimony." The minister then continued.

"That's him," Vespa said to her father. "I know it's him. He's come back."

"That's it! We're gonna take no more chances and to do it with the short version," The minister snapped before speaking faster. "Do you, Prince Valium take Princess Vespa to be your lawfully wedded wife?"

"Uh-huh." Prince Valium nodded while yawning.

"Princess Vespa, do you take Prince Valium to be your lawfully wedded husband?" The minister then asked the princess quickly.

"Uh... Well... I suppose," Vespa stammered. "Oh, I don't know."

* * *

**_Meanwhile, outside..._ **

"This way! This way!" Cherry called out as she ran down to the doorway with the others following her.

* * *

"She DOESN'T!" called a voice from the rear of the temple.

All eyes turned to see Lone Starr, resplendent in a white and gold silk prince outfit, and even clean-shaven! Beside him, Barf looked as if he'd just had a fancy grooming at a Beverly Hills poodle parlor.

"Who are you?" the minister called out.

"Prince Lone Starr!" The shiny new Lone Starr declared triumphantly.

"You're a prince?" cried Vespa.

"Yeah, can ya believe it? I just found out!" Lone told her, pointing to his medallion. "I'm an honest-to-god certified prince! Will you marry me?"

"Wait," said Vespa. "Lemme think it over... YES!"

"I'm sick of this," the minister said, stamping his foot. "I don't care _who_ it is, but I'm gonna marry _somebody_ today!"

Barf was soon shown.

Cherry began to shake nervously. "...Barf, are you?"

"No! I'm the best man!" Barf told her.

"Okay," Cherry said in relief. "Not that there's anything wrong with that... You just looked too happy there for a minute."

"Of course I'm happy! Lone Starr's gonna get married!" Barf beamed.

"What's your name?" The minister asked him.

"Barf."

"Your full name."

"Barfolomew!" The mawg stated with pride which made Thor laugh a little.

"Are you the one getting married?"

"No."

"Then get over there."

Barf then nodded and moved to the left of the altar.

"And who are you?" The minister asked Cherry, Lionel, and Thor.

"Uh, well, um... I guess we're the witnesses?" Cherry shrugged.

"YEAH!" Lionel and Thor agreed.

"Then sit down!" the minister told them; they all did as they were told. "Okay, here goes; the short-short version. Do you?" he asked Lone Starr.

"Yes." replied Lone.

"Do you?"

"Yes." replied Vespa.

"You're married. Kiss the bride!" The minister told Lone.

As Lone and Vespa kissed, the bells of Planet Druidia rang in celebration. Seeing them together, everyone knew they would live happily ever after... Or until Spaceballs 2... Whichever came first, really!

"I love you." Lone smiled at his new wife.

"I love you." Vespa smiled back at her new husband.

The two soon kissed again as Barf started to cry.

"Well, goodbye, Virgin Alarm." Dot sniffled emotionally.

Thor beamed as he pulled Cherry and Lionel into a hug. "I just love weddings!" he then beamed.

And soon, the Eagle 5 took off into space as the jets left streams of gold glitter behind them with the words "JUST MARRIED" written on the back of the ship and the golden streams formed the words: "MAY THE SCHWARTZ BE WITH YOU".

* * *

**_MILLIONS OF MILES AWAY, ON ANOTHER PLANET, IN ANOTHER GALAXY..._ **

A planet of green earth and gently-rolling seas, spun silently on its orbit around a warming sun. Suddenly, two objects fell from the sky and landed on the planet with a resounding 'plop'! The first was Mega-Maid's massive head, which landed upright in the sand; beside it, landed her right arm, still holding the vacuum handle, which pointed skyward. The strange structures looked surprisingly like the top of the Statue of Liberty. After a while, three small figures began lowering themselves from her nostril, one by one; clinging to a knotted rope of bedsheets were Dark Helmet, Sandurz, and Skroob. In the distance, two riders, seeing this odd sight, reigned in their horses. The riders were both apes, wearing dark robes.

"What are those things coming out of her nose?" The first ape asked, shielding his eyes with his hand.

His companion looked through a pair of binoculars. "Spaceballs!" he exclaimed.

"Oh, shit," declared the first ape. "There goes the planet!"

* * *

Jackson and Vicky looked over as they flew by in their escape pod and laughed at the misfortune before they suddenly crashed and ended up on some new planet.

"What just happened?" Vicky asked as she sat with her boyfriend on a red surface.

"I dunno, but I'm glad to be free from that Dark Helmet... Even if I didn't get to destroy Cherry Butler." Jackson glowered.

"FREEZE!" A voice yelled.

Jackson and Vicky put their hands up as a gun was pointed at them.

"You've crashed and disturbed the home of Queen Tyr'ahnee," Marvin the Martian glared as he pointed his gun at them, standing beside his little helper: Marcia. "You are under arrest."

Jackson just laughed. "Oh, right, like some doofus in a gladiator helmet is gonna arrest _me_!" he remarked.

Marvin then suddenly shot Jackson and Vicky with his gun, reducing the two into two piles of ash with their eyes left in the pile in a cartoony fashion.

"I'm startin' to think you should've surrendered to that twerp with the gladiator helmet." Vicky said to him.

"Aw, be quiet." Jackson complained.

* * *

And so, as the story had ended, Thor, Lionel, and Cherry were back in the living room and ended up on the couch together.

"Well, that was definitely a fun one," Lionel remarked. "At least more entertaining than doing a straightforward _Star Wars_ story."

"Tell me about it," Cherry said. "The continuity... The timing... The sequels... The prequels... I just... I couldn't be bothered with doing something like that."

"Though _Pooh's Adventures_ somehow made a way to work out with that," Thor remarked. "This was an interesting Double Feature you cooked up though, Cherry."

"Yeah, it was quite the adventure," Cherry admitted. "I just hope everyone else enjoyed it."

"To anybody who's reading this, Happy May the 4th!" Lionel declared.

"Happy May the 4th!" Thor added.

"Yeah, yeah, Happy May the 4th." Cherry said with a small shrug and smile.

"And may your connection with the Force stay unsevered!" Lionel replied. "So long, everybody!"

There was then a beat of silence between the trio.

"So... Now what?" Cherry asked.

"I think you can stop it here now." Drell suggested as he came by.

"Works for me!" Cherry shrugged as she went to wheel over the giant THE END.

"Alrighty then!" Lionel replied as he and Thor helped Cherry wheel it over.

Drell nodded before he disappeared.

"Well, see ya!" Cherry told the audience as the story had come to an end.

"BYE!" Lionel and Thor waved, and that was...

THE END!


End file.
